Suffering by Grace

One Incredible Year

2012-01-02T17:31:00.015-05:00

2011 was quite a year, and I can honestly say, one of the most amazing years of my life so far.

It was a breath of fresh air when the clock struck midnight on January 1, 2011. After losing David in 2010, I needed new hope, and I prayed that the new year would bring it.

January brought us a southern snow storm. We had so much fun being housebound and playing in the snow for 5 whole days!

February gave us news that we were expecting another baby. We were incredibly excited about this blessing, but at times, afraid to hope again.

March was a celebration of David's birthday, and a beautiful tribute to the tremendous impact of David Nathaniel's life.

April was a season of Lent and learning to trust again.

May delivered the report that our baby GIRL was healthy and strong! Oh what glorious news!

June was the month that Benjamin celebrated his spiritual birthday, and Tommy and I rejoiced in God's faithfulness.

July was filled with birthdays and summer fun.

August ushered in family vacation and Caleb's first trip to the ocean.

September was the month of Esther's birth. What a glorious gift she has been to our family!

The first day of October was the day that we brought our baby girl home from the hospital and remembered our David Nathaniel.

November was month #2 of LOVING life with our new gift.

December was the month that I officially became a stay-at-home-mommy. What a blessing and a challenge this has been for me.

I pray that 2012 will continue to bring new levels of growth, healing and joy; however, I cannot say goodbye to 2011 without taking a moment to thank each one of you who visit, subscribe, read and comment on my blog. It means more than you know.

And finally, I would like to publicly thank my Heavenly Father for the abundant grace that He has shown to us. I look forward to seeing what the new year holds and what He will do in 2012.

Coming Home

2011-11-07T14:14:00.001-05:00

Five weeks ago, we came home from the hospital. As I sat in the wheelchair to leave the hospital and the nurse handed me our baby girl, I was suddenly overcome with grief. Although I was holding a living, breathing baby in my arms, I could not help but remember my experience in that wheelchair just 18 months ago.

This time, we stopped by the front desk to remove our baby's security bracelet...last time, there was no security bracelet to remove because nobody wants to kidnap a dead baby. This time, I got wheeled out the front door...last time, I got wheeled out the back door. This time, the nurse made sure we had a car seat and that our baby was safe and secure for the ride home...last time, we met the undertaker at the back door, and there was no car seat, just a tiny casket.

One never knows when the dam of grief will break, but when it does, there is no use trying to hold it back. So, I cried all the way home from the hospital, and carefully evaded the barrage of cameras upon our arrival home. So much for a happy homecoming.

Later that afternoon, I received an email entitled "David Nathaniel" from a man in India. This man told me that he had a son who had been born just hours after Esther. He explained to me that he had been searching the internet for a Biblical name for his son. While searching, he came across the name "Nathaniel" on a Christian baby name site, and he immediately liked it.

He liked the names "Nathaniel David" and "David Nathaniel" because they sounded "majestic, lovely, and unique," and when he typed the name "David Nathaniel" into Google, he discovered my blog. He closed his email by stating, "If the thought that a baby somewhere in the world is going to be named 'David Nathaniel' gives you any comfort, I hope it does, I will be happy for you."

I was blown away. I could scarcely believe that on that very day, the day that my David Nathaniel would have celebrated his 18-month birthday and the day that we brought our Esther home from the hospital, God had impressed the name "David Nathaniel" upon a man's heart halfway across the globe, and God caused this man to find my blog and contact me.

Amazing love.

In that moment, my sorrow was overcome by God's immeasurable love for me. I was overwhelmed by the thought that my Father God would go to such great lengths to show His love to me, to comfort me, and to let me know that my David Nathaniel had not been forgotten. My God is the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, and He is more than just these things by title. He is these things to me. Isaiah 9:6.

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power...to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19.

Our Star

2011-10-02T21:55:00.010-04:00

It is with great joy and thankful hearts that we announce the birth of our precious daughter, Esther Alicia Watson. Our "star" (the literal meaning of Esther) was born on September 29 at 11:52 a.m., weighing 6 lbs., 10 oz., and measuring 19.5 inches. She is perfect and beautiful in every way, and we are overwhelmed by God's gracious gift to us.

Just moments after her entrance into the world, she is bright-eyed and attentive to her mommy.

Adoring brothers can't keep their eyes off of her ...

and mommy and daddy are absolutely thrilled to bring her home from the hospital.

Is she precious or what?

Invisible Presence

2011-09-27T06:07:00.001-04:00

Whenever Caleb sees a picture of an image that resembles God in his mind, he points to it and says, "That's God." Every time this happens, I have to tell him that the picture is not God, and when he proceeds to ask what God looks like, I have the unenviable task of trying to explain to a four-year-old that we cannot see God.

I can relate to Caleb's confusion in this matter, as I have also struggled with God's invisible presence. Most of the time, I am confident of His presence, but I still have questions. Over the past twelve months, I have personally known three different families who were told that their babies would likely be born with serious health problems, and miraculously, all three of them were born healthy.

I am thrilled for these families and encouraged to see the hand of God in their lives. But each and every time, I am left wondering, "Why not me? Why not my baby? Where were you, God?" I have been offered several possible answers to these questions, but in the end, no answer takes away the deep pain of the reality that I am here, and my baby boy is not.

In His grace, God has chosen to bless us with a fourth child, a baby girl. She is not a replacement, but she is a gift, and I am praying that her presence will bring tremendous healing to our family. It is hard to believe that she will be here in just a few short days. Tom and I did not have any trouble choosing a name for her, as we had decided upon a girl name over eight years ago. Her name is Esther.

This pregnancy has been difficult and filled with moments of doubt. "Will this baby be healthy? Will we really get to bring her home from the hospital?" Many have offered me words of comfort and encouragement, but no one can make me any guarantees. My only guarantee is Christ. I must choose to lay down my fear and trust that whatever the outcome, I have a God who has come near to me by the blood of Jesus. “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ” (Eph. 2:13).

I find it intriguing that the only book in the Bible from which the name of God is missing is the book of Esther. As John Piper put it, "The absence of God's name in the book of Esther means: God is invisibly present and ruling in your life, as in this story."

The gift of Esther is a beautiful reminder of how God is weaving together His story in our lives through His "invisible presence."

Great is Thy Faithfulness

2011-06-27T22:19:00.008-04:00

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

This is the only hymn that I wanted to sing at David's funeral. While there were plenty of other hymns to choose from, no other song seemed appropriate. I did not feel "Amazing Grace" or that it was "Well with my Soul." I could, however, say with confidence that God is faithful yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

And He has been faithful.

Over the past 15 months, He has continued to display His great faithfulness to our family. Although there are more ways that I can recount, I would like to share just one, which involves the story that He is writing in our son Benjamin's life.

In January 2010, Tom and I began to believe God for a miracle in David's life, and we both felt lead to involve our children in asking God to do the impossible. We did not go into this blindly. We knew that God might not choose to heal David, and we knew that this could potentially have a devastating effect on the fragile faith of our children. We also knew that we had to obey, and the results were in God's hands.

So, we prayed. Again and again, our family went before God Almighty in prayer, and we begged Him to heal our son and brother. We went before the elders of our church, and they prayed over us and anointed us with oil in the name of the Lord (James 5). And on that day, our pastor read from Daniel 3.

And Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego said to King Nebuchadnezzar, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

And shortly thereafter, the time came for us to lay our "Isaac" at the altar of God. We did not know what the outcome would be, but we knew that the Lord would provide (Genesis 22:14). And He did provide, just not in the way we expected Him to.

In March of this year, the one-year anniversary of David's birth and death, our church gave us a children's Bible for the boys. We already had one, but for some reason this Bible was special. Benjamin brought it home and read it from cover to cover in two weeks. Then, he read it again ... four more times. And when asked to recount his very favorite story, he told the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in Daniel 3.

Amazing.

On his own initiative, Benjamin has continued to read the Bible almost every night. A couple of weeks ago, Tom read Benjamin the story of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis 22, and Benjamin asked how Abraham heard God speak to him. Tom explained that God gives His Holy Spirit to His children, and God speaks to His children through His Spirit. Benjamin told Tom that he wanted to become a child of God. And on that very night, Benjamin confessed his sin to God and professed his faith in the finished work of Jesus Christ. Benjamin was born again (John 3).

I do not think that it is a coincidence that Benjamin's favorite Bible story is in Daniel 3, nor do I think that it is mere chance that Benjamin was born into the family of God after hearing the story in Genesis 22. I am convinced that God used our prayers offered in faith for David's healing to begin a miraculous work of faith in Benjamin's life.

God works in mysterious ways. His ways are not our ways, but He is good, and He knows what He is doing. In the darkest days of life, and even in death, He is planting seeds that will spring forth new life, and the life that He gives can never be taken away.

Great is His faithfulness.

The Big Reveal

2011-05-19T07:59:00.003-04:00

We are rejoicing today after a wonderful report from our 20-week ultrasound. Baby #4 looked healthy in every way, and all of the measurements were right on track with my due date. We are so grateful for this gift from God!

And ... much to our surprise after having 3 boys in a row ... we could hardly believe it when the ultrasound tech said ...

We decided to share the news with our boys by ordering a very special cake. We asked the bakery to ice the inside of the cake "blue for boy" or "pink for girl." The boys enjoyed cutting into the cake to discover the color inside.

Benjamin did not seem too surprised to find pink icing inside the cake. He said that he thought it was a girl. Caleb, on the other hand, was (and still is) convinced that the baby is a boy. Even though we told him several times last night that the baby is a girl, he still says that "bay-bay" is a boy, not a "grill."

Hmmm .... this should be interesting. Since Caleb is not too fond of "grills," this news of a sister is going to take a while for him to absorb. But that's ok. I'm sure that he will adjust, sooner or later. :-)

We are so thrilled that God has chosen to bless us with a fourth child ... and our very first baby girl!

A New Resident

2011-05-10T22:28:00.010-04:00

Remember this picture?

I still have it saved as the background on my desktop. It is worth more to me than the world's most coveted painting.

Well, Tom and I are delighted to announce that a new resident has moved into the house. We are expecting our fourth child this October 5, and we are absolutely thrilled!

This pregnancy has been a difficult journey from the start, and there are days when I am filled with apprehension over all of the "what ifs." I am truly walking this out one day at a time, thanking God for every kick and wiggle along the way.

And I am learning to trust God a little more each day.

Please be in prayer for our family as we approach the 20-week ultrasound next week. This is a big milestone for us, as it is the appointment where we were told the devastating news about David's prognosis.

Thank you for your faithful prayers! Will keep you posted ...

Lent

2011-04-22T15:48:00.015-04:00

Today is Good Friday. A day of death. It is the day that "darkness came over all the land," a representation of what this season of Lent has felt like to me.

I intended to observe Lent this year by giving up my quest for interior redesign. But, when I woke up on Ash Wednesday, I began to learn that God had plans for me to give up something much bigger than dreams of a home makeover. On the morning of March 9, as I was doing my daily Bible reading, I came upon the story of Elisha and the Shunammite woman in II Kings 4:8-36. The Shunammite woman had no son.

“About this time next year,” Elisha said, “you will hold a son in your
arms.”

“No, my lord!” she objected. “Please, man of God, don’t mislead your servant!” But the woman became pregnant, and the next year about that same time she gave birth to a son, just as Elisha had told her.

Several years later, the boy died in his mother's arms. She immediately lay the boy down and called to her husband saying, “Please send me one of the servants and a donkey so I can go to the man of God quickly and return.”

So she set out and came to the man of God at Mount Carmel. When she reached the man of God at the mountain, she took hold of his feet. Gehazi came over to push her away, but the man of God said, “Leave her alone! She is in bitter distress, but the LORD has hidden it from me and has not told me why.”

“Did I ask you for a son, my lord?” she said. “Didn’t I tell you, ‘Don’t raise my hopes’?”

So, Elisha followed the woman to her house, and he raised her dead son to life by the power of God.

Well, that sounded like a strangely familiar story, except for the part about the dead son being raised to life. I cannot tell you how many times I have said to God, “Did I ask you for a son, my Lord? Why would you grant me a child for whom I never asked, only to let him die in my arms?”

Later that Wednesday, a friend told me that she had recently heard a devotional that reminded her of me. I bet you can't guess what it was about.

Yep, you guessed it! Elisha and the Shunammite woman. This season of Lent was beginning much differently than I had planned. God was trying to get my attention in a big way.

So, what was I to make of all of this? Was I the Shunammite woman? If so, what exactly did God want from me? He had already taken David. What more did He want?

I began to feel like the rich man who came to Jesus asking, "What good thing must I do to obtain eternal life?” It was as if Jesus himself was looking right at me and saying, "If you wish to be complete, [give your children to me], and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." And I was full of grief because I did not think that I could give Jesus what He was asking me to give. Matthew 19:16-22.

You see, for me, it was not really my material possessions that I was idolizing, but my children. And who, but God himself, was going to chastise me for idolizing my children? Probably no one.

I began to realize that I had become a hoarder of blessings, namely my boys. I had been holding on to my children with fists clenched tight, begging God not to take them from me. Just like the Shunammite woman, I had been crying out to God, “No, my Lord! Please don’t disappoint me!”

I was believing a lie.

I had been telling myself that I could not have joy if God ever chose to take these blessings from me. I did not believe that every river that needed to flow for the joy of my soul would flow from Jesus. I did not trust that I would never, ever have to look anywhere else because His rivers are as many as the soul needs that I have. ~John Piper

And so, this Easter, my fists are beginning to open. With God's help, I am opening my hands to release my will to receive His. I am learning to trust that the water He has given will never dry up, for He is the source of endless streams.

And the LORD will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
Isaiah 58:11

"If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, 'Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.'"
John 7:37–38

Final LIFE Day Recap

2011-03-20T18:09:00.003-04:00

David’s first birthday was filled with mixed emotions for us. We were thankful for the opportunity to celebrate his life in an eternal way by “setting our minds on things above;” yet we were sad to think of all of the memories that we never had the chance to make with him here on earth.

During the day, I thought a lot about Benjamin and Caleb’s first birthdays. I remembered how Benjamin cried when he dug his hands into his first birthday cake because he did not like the icing all over his hands. Caleb, on the other hand, dug into his cake with heart and soul. We have the cutest pictures of him with icing all over his body. For some reason, the thought of David making a mess of his birthday cake really hit me hard, and I missed him deeply.

We received the sweetest card from a dear friend. It is the same friend who wrote to us 17 months ago, "I have been lifting you and your son before the Throne of our Almighty God and Father. He is truly the Father of all compassion and also the worker of miracles. As I prayed for your precious son according to Psalm 139, I sensed Him telling me to pray for him 'by name'."

Providentially, the card she sent for David's 1st birthday said, “As I turned my calendar from February to March this morning, on March 1, it was written ‘St. David’s Day.’ I smiled at the sovereignty of God.” God never ceases to amaze me with His involvement in the smallest details of our lives.

Tom and I have been incredibly blessed by the outpouring of love from so many of you who remembered David with us on his birthday. We continue receive messages from people who joined us in honoring David’s LIFE, and we have loved reading each and every story. For this recap, we would like to share some of the things that our family did to remember David on his first birthday.

Compassionate Hearts
Our family supports Vijiji Projects (a children’s home in Kenya) on a regular basis, but we wanted to go beyond our regular giving to meet an urgent need. The home has 30 children and 2 bathrooms, one of which is an outhouse that is in need of cleaning out. Who would have thought that cleaning a toilet in David’s honor could make such a difference?

In addition to helping Vijiji, Tom was able to help a friend who is going through a difficult time with a bathroom project. Also, Benjamin and Caleb made cards for their great-grandparents.

Patience
I tend to have a difficult time during the day just spending uninterrupted time with my family. It seems that a "to-do" list is forever forming in my mind with things that need to be done around the house, at work, etc. To honor David, my lists were suspended, and my family received the uninterrupted time they deserved.

Bearing with one another
There is a baby boy named Asa who who visited this earth for a short time at the beginning of last year, and he is buried very close to David. In memory of David and Asa, we took dinner to Asa's family, and Benjamin and Caleb picked out a birthday present for his twin brother Luke who recently celebrated his first birthday.

A Couple of Other Things
We sent cards to a some families who also lost babies, and we mailed a gift card to pay for dinner for neighbor of a friend who has been experiencing seizures and has four young children.

LIFE Day Recap - Part #2

2011-03-12T20:47:00.014-05:00

Rachel & Beth
In memory of David's LIFE, last week we, along with our kids, made cookies for an elderly neighbor who lost her husband a few months ago. We are so honored to take part in his special day and hope you find comfort knowing his LIFE continues to be a blessing...

Kevin & Dana's Family
Each of us wrote letters to someone who had impacted us eternally and encouraged us in Jesus. In each letter, we asked the person to write a letter to someone else in return. Parker wrote a letter to his teacher. Micah wrote a letter to his grandma, and Coley wrote her letter to a long time family friend.

My letter was to a woman named Judy, who used to be the director of a crisis pregnancy center. When I was in college, my teenage sister became pregnant. I went to the center for counseling myself. I later went through training to counsel women with crisis pregnancies. Also during college, a close friend of mine was pressured by her mother to have an abortion. I was so burdened by this, and again the ladies at the center ministered to ME. I have continued to support and stay in contact with Judy and the center. She retired this year. I am sure that countless children have been saved by her ministry and many have come to faith in Christ. It was through this center that my view of the sanctity of life was shaped as a very new believer. Judy has made an eternal impact on me and countless men, women, and children.

Katie
Even before doing anything about it, it completely touched me to think of you guys being open to God redeeming David's life and death in this way. Just thinking of this made a big difference in my perspective on a lot of little things that day - my attitude when something annoying happened, etc. It really encouraged me and challenged me to choose a better attitude, with more patience.

But I also felt drawn to participate in LIFE Day in a more proactive way, although it kind of made me nervous to step outside my comfort zone and reach out like that. We visited a friend from church who has MS. We had actually been planning to visit her anyway, but in light of LIFE Day, when we were together I asked her more about her struggles with the MS - something I had never done before. She's suffered from it for many years, and has never talked much about it, although I know she experiences a lot of pain and fatigue, and that it severely limits her. Asking her about it allowed me to hear more about what her life is like with MS, and although it was hard to hear in some ways, it felt good to know her more fully, if that makes sense. It was a wonderful afternoon.

Debbie & Mike's Family
We have a friend - single mom - who runs a horseback riding farm all by herself. She needed help doing some work on her house - so we took the kids and ripped up old carpeting, threw away a TON of stuff, cleaned and scrubbed, vacuumed and repaired stuff. It was awesome - thought of you guys the whole time, made the kids work hard - ha! Great experience to do together as a family, and I'm so glad you thought of it.

Tonya
In honor of David's LIFE day, I spoke with the chaplain at Gwinnett Medical Center, the hospital where David was born. I ordered a copy of Angie Smith's "I Will Carry You." The chaplain said that she will hold onto the book until a family with a baby that has a terminal diagnosis comes along, and she will present the book to them. I plan to write in the front cover that the book is given in honor and remembrance of David. I know this book touched your heart, and I pray it will touch someone else, too. Love you! Thank you for the opportunity and honor to be part of this. I will ALWAYS remember precious David Nathaniel.

Carrie
In honor of your beautiful baby boy and your amazing family....I sent out a few anonymous cards to some co-workers who I knew would need some sunshine today!! Praying that your day will be filled with sunshine from the legacy that David is already leaving on all of us!! :) Much love to you guys!!

Christina
I celebrated David's birthday by making marbled banana bread and giving it to all of the preschool teachers at my son's school with a note of love and scripture. Thanks for letting us be a part of his heaven day :)!

Julie
My LIFE promise is to remember to be patient and kind with my earthly children. It's harder than I ever imagined, but when I think 3 is crazy, I close my eyes and think of sweet David.

K & M
We visited David’s grave and prayed for all of the families who had buried babies in that cemetery.

Jen
Happy first Birthday to David. I'm excited about this idea and have loved seeing how God brought things together to celebrate it. In honor of his LIFE, I'm partnering with a friend's non-profit organization to expand the ministry to support and care for pregnant mothers in crisis situations, who have decided to give their babies up for adoption. For more information, go to Sally's Lambs. More info to come as we brainstorm other ways to bring people together to show God's love to these women. Love you Rachael. Thanks for spurring this on!

Amy & Chris
Chris took the opportunity to help a young man at the gas station who needed air in his tires and had arm/hand wrapped and bandaged from a deep cut to the hand. After speaking with him for a few short minutes, he went on to share why he seeks opportunities to show kindness--because of Jesus' ultimate kindness toward us.

I was busy working a consignment sale all week and after getting the bad phone call about Chris' aunt, another volunteer asked if I was okay. I shared with her a brief synopsis of his Aunt's condition and how this heart disease is all throughout Chris' family, but we were so thankful to see the hand of God in it. Chris was the first in the family to be diagnosed, and if it weren't for the free heart scans given to high school athletes, he could be dead. I went on to share a bit of Chris' testimony with her. She ended up sharing with me that her son and daughter have had arrythmias and have been undergoing some testing. She seemed discouraged and a bit fearful about it all. I simply shared with her that we have hope because of Jesus. I don't know where she is in terms of faith but she appreciated my story, and I was glad I took the opportunity to share. Thanks for this challenge! We love you!

NCF Prayer Team
We collected financial resources to help youth in Mkholombe, South Africa. This squatter camp is 90% AIDS positive and the youth see no hope. The poverty level in Mkholombe is unbelievable with only three water spigots for over 10,000 people and no electricity. It is our joy to share with these youth the love of Jesus and the hope he brings.

LIFE Day Recap - Part #1

2011-03-05T21:27:00.003-05:00

Tom and I have been incredibly blessed by so many who celebrated David's birthday with us. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your participation! Over the next week, we will be posting our family's celebration of David's birthday, along with all of the things that each of you did in honor of David's life. I hope that all of you are as blessed as we have been by reading these stories.

Aunt Jenny & Harrison
Harrison and I had an awesome time bringing a smile to the many faces at Noble Village today! Harrison passed out chocolate candies and the people loved having a little guy around. This is something we will do again! It was so wonderful to bring a little joy to their day!

Laura & Ron
We have donated to an orphan scholarship fund in Kazakhstan in remembrance of David. In addition, we have written to missionaries in Kazakhstan to share your LIFE story and to encourage them in their mission work. This family (Doug & Shelley) was unable to bring a baby to full term, but have adopted and are fostering children from Kazakhstan as well as working in children’s school for poor children in Kazakhstan. I hope that through David's life they are blessed. Thanks for making the challenge to your friends. It was so worthwhile. Attached Doug & Shelley’s picture in Kazakhstan.

Mimi & Papa
In honor of David’s first LIFE celebration we are dedicating the weekend of February 18 through 20 to service. On February 18 we visited the Assisted Living Facility at Vienna Square in Winter Haven, FL, visiting and encouraging the residents. On February 19 we attended the annual Park Ministries Rally in honor of Dr. Melvin Maxwell. We helped prepare for the rally, helped during the rally and then after the rally. Park Ministries ministers to retired individuals living in 50 mobile parks in and around central Florida. The service was wonderful and emphasized Dr. Melvin Maxwell, the founder of Park Ministries by honoring him during the ceremonies. Dr. Maxwell is also the great grandfather of David Nathaniel Watson. What a great and fulfilling privilege it is to serve others and to have David Nathaniel Watson on this earth to hold and love for seven hours. We love you and miss you David but we will reunite with you in heaven someday soon.

Rachel & Terry
We decided to support some missionary friends in Japan for a year in honor of David’s little life. We have been talking about it for months, and his birthday spurred us on to jump on it and do it!!

Anonymous
I was a the grocery store and was approached by a man who was wanting money. He said he wanted it for groceries. Instead of telling him no and walking away like I usually do, I decided to take him in the store and pay for his food. He smelled strongly of alcohol, and I am sure he would have purchased more if I would have just given him money. Anyway, even after the shopping trip he pleaded for cash to use for the bus, and then he pleaded for a ride since he had so much to carry on his bike. I had to refuse both of those request, and for me more than helping him buy food....what I think was done that was more for God's glory was that I bent and served God by serving a man that normally I would say did not need or deserve what he was asking for. I believe God equipped me to be tender where I needed to be and firm where I knew I had to be. All credit to Him. The man's name is Albert. Please pray for his salvation.

Sheri's Family
I just wanted to let you know what an amazing day we had yesterday in honor of David's birthday. God worked it out so that all 4 of us were able to go to the "Oaks" on Post Road and visit w/a 94 year old gentleman whom we had never met before. We went late afternoon and visited with him for quite awhile and the comments afterward from our children were great. We are all planning to go back in a few weeks and help him celebrate his birthday. His name is Clarence and he is a native of Atlanta but his family is scattered and he never has any visitors. God truly blessed US yesterday and I hope He blessed you all as well with something truly special.

Michele
In church Sunday it came to me what I would like to do to honor David's memory. I am going use the letters in my niece's name, along with Sylvia Gunter's, ABC's of Who You Are in Christ, to send weekly encouragements to her. I sent the first one yesterday, M is for Masterpiece. I pray she will come to know herself and her all Loving Father through the personal promises and truths written in His Word.

Mike & Pat
It is hard to believe that a year has gone by since God allowed David to bless and continue to bless so many lives in a very short time. In honor of David's life and the life of another very special baby, we decided to donate money to help others in need.

Barb
I was so thrilled to read about your idea to honor David. I then thought, how in the world do I have time to do something even though my heart wanted to. My days are filled in caring for my mother and father right now. Then I remembered that I was having a birthday party for my mother's friend of 50 years who was turning 98 years old today. It was not a big party, just a time to get together and honor her many years and her many years of loving the Lord. So, I thought, this could be a way to honor David. God knows our days and for reasons we may never know his days for David were short and the days for Margaret are very long. But they both bring honor and glory to the Lord. It isn't much, but I just didn't want this time to slip away from me without communicating to you how much we still care and love you. I am so sorry for the pain you have had to bear but we all know that it is all for his Glory.

LIFE - Leave an Impact For Eternity

2011-02-24T08:00:00.004-05:00

This past Monday, we announced our plan for celebrating David’s 1st birthday, and we asked you to join us in remembering David’s life by giving LIFE to others. Since this is somewhat of an abstract idea, we thought it might be helpful to offer some suggestions on how you can participate.

Colossians 3:12-14 seems like a worthy guide. “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

When we, as believers, “put on” this type of life, we are inviting the world around us to live a new way, an eternal way. The invitation is not to embrace a new ethic but to embrace Jesus that offers this new life (Col 3:1). So, in celebration of David’s 1st Annual LIFE Day, our goal is to “put on” this kingdom of God mindset so that we might leave an eternal impact.

Compassionate hearts - Visit with those in your community who are often overlooked (widow, elderly, sick children, single moms) and perform an act of love that shows the compassionate heart of Christ. Or make a donation to an organization that supports those who are underprivileged.

Kindness - Do something kind for someone from whom you do not expect to receive anything in return. This is especially effective when you show love to someone who is different from you (politically, ethnically, socio-economically).

Humility - We all have people in our lives that we struggle with in some way to show that we are better than or superior to in ability, intellect, etc. Go to this person and serve him or her. Lay down your competitive drive and give this person a compliment or ask him or her to teach you something.

Meekness - Provide a gentle response when an angry one could easily be justified. In the workplace or at home, when another person provokes you to anger, respond in love. When a required task is met with resistance by others, pause, breathe, and handle the situation with meekness.

Patience - Sit with someone longer than you normally would. Turn off your phone, set aside the task list, and just sit with a friend or family member without thinking of the next step.

Bearing with one another – Call or write someone who has been suffering and pray for them in the form of verbal or written communication (don’t just say you are going to pray for them). Especially remember those who suffered some sort of pain 6+ months ago because many of them have been forgotten by the majority...be the minority.

Forgiving each other - Do you know how much you have been given forgiven? Set down your pride and choose to forgive someone who has wronged you or hurt you. Let go of your anger and decide that that person does not “owe” you anymore.

If you have already thought of something that is completely different from this list, then that is great too! Or if you have some creative ideas on how to celebrate David’s birthday, we encourage you to share them with all of us by leaving a comment on this post. We look forward to celebrating with each of you as we endeavor to Leave an Impact For Eternity.

David Nathaniel LIFE Day

2011-02-21T11:25:00.002-05:00

March 1, 2011

First Annual David Nathaniel
LIFE (Leave an Impact for Eternity) Day

Ok, so here's the deal. Many of you have asked how you can remember David Nathaniel with us on his first birthday. Well, I am so excited to tell you exactly how you can do that! On Tuesday, March 1, our family will be remembering David by doing acts of LIFE (leaving an impact for eternity). We felt this was the perfect way for us to continue the legacy of David Nathaniel's small but powerful life.

Many of you have walked this journey with us in amazing ways, and we wanted a way to include each of YOU in David's birthday celebration. So what better way to celebrate together than to have a day of LIFE in David's honor? Here are the details on how you can participate:

1. Sometime around David's birthday (March 1st), do something to leave an impact for eternity (LIFE). It can be for a stranger, a friend, a family member, etc. You can do one thing, or several things. The more the merrier. For some ideas, click here.

2. If you want to, take a picture of your or your family's act of LIFE.

3. Come back to this blog and leave us a comment letting us know how you celebrated David's birthday with us (tell us about your act of LIFE). You can also email me with your act of LIFE (and picture, if you have it).

That's it! A few days after David's LIFE celebration, I will post a summary of all the acts of LIFE that our family did, as well as your acts of LIFE. I am so excited to celebrate David's birthday in this way with each of you!

We would love it if you would help us spread the word about our LIFE celebration day. You can copy our invitation at the top of this post and put it on your blog, or link this page to your blog, Facebook, or Twitter. Please know how much it means to us each and every time you let us know that you remember the life of our precious son, David Nathaniel.

Snow

2011-01-13T08:00:00.007-05:00

Last month, we had a countdown to Christmas. As Christmas day approached, Benjamin asked me, "Mommy, is this the Christmas with presents or the Christmas with snow?" It might sound like a strange question to you, but it made perfect sense to him.

You see, every movie that he has ever seen about Christmas has snow in it. Therefore, he thinks that Christmas means snow. I have had a very difficult time explaining to him that we live in the south, and snow is a rarity. But this Christmas, no explanation was necessary. Benjamin got his Christmas with presents AND snow. We had a white Christmas in Atlanta for the first time in over 100 years.

The snow was not just a gift for Benjamin; it was a gift for me. I have always loved watching a beautiful snowfall, but now it is especially meaningful to me. It snowed on March 2, 2010, the day that David went to heaven. On that day, I watched the snow fall peacefully outside of my hospital window as I wept, and a sweet friend of mine told me that the snowflakes reminded her of God's tears. I am convinced that my God cried countless tears for me that day.

So, this Christmas I enjoyed watching the snow as I quietly thanked God for His special gift to me. I did not, however, make it outdoors to play in the snow with my boys. I later regretted this decision and vowed to myself that the next time it snowed, I was going outside to play.

Well, that day has come! On Monday, we woke up to several inches of snow. It is the most snow that I have seen since living in Atlanta. And so far this week, I have spent over six hours playing in the snow with my boys. But who's counting???

We have gone sledding, had snowball fights, and built a snowman. We even got out the shovels and cleared the ice and snow from the steps leading to our backyard. We did all of this and more, including battling the stomach virus and Caleb's temper tantrums as we got him dressed and undressed from all of his snow gear. Whew, I am one tired momma!

And, let me tell you, I don't regret one minute of it. I hope that as my boys grow older and see snow fall from the heavens, they remember their mom playing with them in the snow. And I will remember my heavenly baby and playing in the snow with my two little miracles here with me.

Surrender

2010-12-22T07:01:00.003-05:00

I apologize that it has been so long since my last post. I have wanted to reduce my thoughts to writing on numerous occasions, but every time I sit down to write, I freeze up. No words come to mind. No feelings rise up within me. I just sit and stare at the computer screen, numb and frozen.

For the past three months of my life, I have felt like a guest on God's show, Candid Camera. I keep waiting for one of the cast members to come out from behind the hidden camera and say, "You're on candid camera," but no one ever comes.

Someone shows up on my doorstep in crisis. Another person walks into my office in crisis. My phone rings and someone else is in crisis ... and on and on it goes. Sometimes it all feels like a cruel joke that I do not find the least bit humorous. Other times, I find myself laughing at the most inappropriate things. I am not sure if it is the joy of the Lord or because I am certifiably insane, but either way, I guess that laughter is good medicine.

I barely feel like I got through the first day of suffering bootcamp before God drafted me to the front lines to fight the battle with fellow sufferers. He didn't ask me if I was ready to go. I just woke up one night at midnight and found myself in the middle of a bloody battle. And three months later, I am still in the heat of battle, feeling completely exhausted and ill-equipped.

I have wondered many times if this is what the rest of my life will look like, fighting one battle after another, dealing with constant pain and loss. I find myself in a foreign land filled with landmines and surprise attacks. This land is not safe, and I don't know how to get back home.

But maybe the point is that I never really was at home. I was always an alien living in a foreign land. I just couldn't really see it before, and now it is my daily reality. God has once again brought me to a place where I must make a choice – surrender to Him and fight the battle, or fight His plan. Although the choice seems obvious, it is not easy.

My surrender to Christ means that He calls all of the shots, and I obey. He gives the marching orders, and I say, "I am the Lord's servant. Be it done to me according to your word" (Luke 1:38). This is a scary proposition when dealing with the King of Kings.

Surrender calls for an acceptance that “he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are on his mind” (Job 23:14). It is the “many such things” that terrify me as I have not been given any say about what comes my way. But, then again, this is the very definition of surrender – to give up rights to myself and to yield to the power and plan of Christ.

A Year Ago Today

2010-10-12T16:36:00.000-04:00

A year ago today ...

I walked into the doctor's office for my 20-week ultrasound to find out if we were having a boy or a girl, and several hours later I walked out in a daze. What should have been a 30-minute ultrasound turned into a three-hour ordeal, so Tom left with the boys to get some lunch. When the radiologist finally came into the room, I knew that something was terribly wrong. He murmured something about short limbs and a small ribcage, and my head began to spin.

I walked to the car and told Tom that something was wrong. We were in shock. The radiologist had told me that he just needed to check on some things, but I knew better. I came home and did exactly what I was not supposed to do. I googled the only things that I knew, which included short limbs and a small ribcage, and one small word turned my world upside down: FATAL.

I sat in front of my computer and cried. I could not believe what I was reading. It felt like a dream, no a nightmare. Maybe they were wrong. Maybe he was healthy. Maybe I would wake up tomorrow and everything would be fine. Or maybe not.

Maybe God was up to something. Maybe He was setting us up for a miracle. I remember a friend of mine telling me that she was praying Isaiah 53:5 for our entire family, "But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed." This struck me as odd. I understood why she would pray for David's healing, but why would she feel led to ask God to heal the rest of us? We were fine. Or maybe not.

About a month ago, the Holy Spirit of God reminded me of my friend and her prayer from Isaiah. It happened as I was telling a very wise woman about my painful journey with David. I sat there with tears streaming down my face, and I told her of my heartache and confusion about how God had called me out of my comfort zone to ask Him for a miracle, only to answer my prayers with a resounding, "no."

I will never forget when she looked me straight in the eye and said, "Rachael, what God is doing in your life is a miracle, if I have ever seen one. You asked Him for a miracle, and you got one. It is not the answer for which you were hoping, but it is a miracle indeed."

People have said similar things to me in the past like, "The miracle is that David is healed in heaven," and "the miracle is that you got to spend seven hours with David." These types of responses always stirred up anger in my heart as I thought to myself, "You are just making lame excuses for God. He does not need you to defend His inaction. He could have healed David, and the fact is that He chose not to do it."

But this time it was different. At that very moment, the Holy Spirit of God spoke to my heart, and I knew that what she was saying was true. Part of God's plan for my losing David was my healing, for "He has torn [me], but He will heal [me]; He has wounded [me], but He will bandage [me]" (Hosea 6:1). In that moment, I began to see that God had broken me to pieces so that He could bring me healing.

And His healing continues to unfold in my life. He is delivering me from my preconceived notions of who He is. He is delivering me from my prior definition of an abundant life. He is delivering me from my fear in order that I might live in true freedom.

And so here I am today, exactly one year later, and although this is not at all where I hoped that I would be, I know that it is exactly where God wants me to be. His plans for healing are immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within me (Ephesians 3:20).

A Home for Baby

2010-09-24T22:08:00.001-04:00

This morning, I decided to walk Benjamin to his classroom instead of dropping him off in the carpool line. I don't usually walk him into school, but I wanted to ask his teacher a couple of questions, and I am so thankful that I did.

As I was turning to leave, his teacher stopped me and said that she wanted to show me something. Yesterday, she had asked the children to use their imaginations to draw a picture of something that served as a home for something else. She encouraged them to be creative (i.e. a pantry is a house for food; a cow is a house for milk).

When she showed me Benjamin's picture, my eyes filled with tears. His picture was titled, "A mommy is a house for a baby." He had drawn a picture of a pregnant mommy. She was standing beneath a dark-blue sky filled with clouds. The sun was hidden behind the clouds, but there was a single beam of light piercing through the clouds, shining down on the mommy.

It was the most beautiful drawing that I have ever seen. I was simply amazed, not because of his artistic talent, but because of his incredible insight. It reminded me of a story that a friend told me a few days ago.

She told me how she felt led to drive to the top of a mountain early one morning when she was wrestling with God, but she couldn't understand why because the air was thick with fog. As she was driving up the mountain, she asked, "Why God? Why would you have me drive all this way when I can't see a thing?" When she got to the top, she got out of her car, sat down, and said, "Ok, I'm here. Now what?"

At that very moment, the sky opened, and she saw the sun shining through the clouds. And she knew - God was there. Then, just as quickly as it had appeared, the sun disappeared behind the clouds again. But as she looked up into the sky, she knew that the sun was still there, even though she couldn't see it.

In that moment, it was as if God said, "I am still here. You just can't see me."

And so many times, this is how the story goes. In my darkest moments, it sometimes feels as if God has disappeared altogether because I cannot see Him, and I most certainly cannot understand His plan. But truly, my God has not left me. I may not be able to see Him, but I am confident that He is still here, and His plan is still on course.

And some days, like today, I get to see a ray of light shining down upon me, and I am reminded that He has not forgotten me. My body was David's home for nine short months, but now heaven is his home, and one day we will be home together.

Trusting Today

2010-09-01T20:11:00.000-04:00

Eight months ago, God called me to have faith to believe that nothing is impossible with Him.

And I believed.

Seven months ago, God called me to put my faith into action by going before the elders of our church to pray for David’s healing in accordance with James 5.

And I went.

Six months ago, my precious David was born into this world to live for seven sweet hours after which God took him from my arms.

And I questioned.

Why did God call me to believe Him and ask Him for the impossible when He already knew that the answer to my prayers would be “no”? How can I ever really trust Him again?

I am still questioning.

This morning, the 6-month anniversary of my sweet David’s birth, I crawled out of bed to begin another day … without David. I began praying one of the only prayers that I know how to pray these days, which is The Lord’s Prayer. I figured that it must be a good one since Jesus is the author.

When I got to the part of the prayer that says, “Give us this day our daily bread,” I started to make a mental checklist of all of the things that I thought I needed to get through the day. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks – trust was on the list.

Trusting in God is part of my daily bread.

I may not be able to say that I trust God with the rest of my life right now because I have no idea what He has in store, and I'm not sure if I'm going to like it. But, I think that I can trust Him just for today.

And maybe my trust in Him today is all that He requires.

Sustaining Grace

2010-08-01T16:00:00.004-04:00

If you ever feel like you can't catch a break, or even catch your breath, you are not alone.

If you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop because you feel like it usually does, you are not alone.

If you feel an unexplainable sense of peace and hope in the midst of your fear and doubt, you are not alone.

Life is not easy. Losing David rocked my world. His loss made life's blessings sweeter than ever before, but it also made me keenly aware of my fear of losing those blessings. I guess that I used to think that God would never let that happen to me because I was His child. When this false idea of security was abruptly ripped away, I found myself living in a new reality, and sometimes it is really hard.

One day during a session with with my grief counselor, I was telling her about my fear that God might take Tom, Benjamin or Caleb. She looked at me and said, "Rachael, just because God took David doesn't mean that He will take Tom, Benjamin or Caleb." "You are right," I replied, "but it also doesn't mean that He won't."

And therein lies my daily dilemma of trusting in the goodness of God and enjoying the fullness of His blessings, all the while knowing that the only thing that my Jesus has guaranteed me is that He will never forsake me.

Thankfully, God has demonstrated His love for me in many tangible ways along this journey, and one of those ways has been through family and friends who have come alongside me to love and encourage me.

One of those dear friends is Tonya. Tonya and I met through Dr. Joe nine months ago. Dr. Joe knew that I needed a friend. I had had all I could take of physicians, geneticists, statistics and worst case scenarios. I was fed up with people referring to my David as a fetus. I was a mommy who was losing my baby, and I needed someone to care.

In came Tonya. She lost her baby boy Grady in November 2008. She knew what it was like to walk through this nightmare, and she cared. She cried with me. She said, "I know." She made me feel a little bit less alone.

At the beginning of the year, Tonya found out that she was expecting another baby, due the first of September. However, her little one was recently born seven weeks early. He has done extremely well despite his early birth, but it hasn't been smooth sailing. Against the odds, Tonya and her husband were told that baby Matthew has a brain bleed.

I confess that upon hearing this news, I was angry - angry with God. Who else could I be angry with? I did not understand why Tonya could not catch a break just this once. Of all people, I thought she deserved a break.

Well, the truth is that she did get break. She got a huge blessing in the form of a beautiful, alive baby boy. All things considered, Matthew is doing very well, and the doctors do not seem to be too concerned about the bleed. I think that Matthew even came home from the hospital on Friday. God is good.

Sometimes, I just wonder why it seems like some people get to coast through life while others go from one trial to the next. Why does it feel like there always has to be something that is hanging over our heads - some ticking time bomb that we are on edge about, waiting to see if it will detonate or diffuse?

I do believe, against my stubborn will sometimes, that this is an act of God's mercy and grace. If I am allowed the opportunity to coast, then believe you me, I will take every advantage of it. I like to be independent and self-sufficient. But God knows that my independence is actually rebellion, and as a gracious and loving Father, I do not believe that He will allow me to get by with it for long.

I am thankful for courageous friends like Tonya who continue to hope and trust in God in the midst of fear and doubt, and I am thankful for the hope and peace that He grants me in the midst of my angst. It is truly his sustaining grace.

What is sustaining grace?

Not grace to bar what is not bliss,

Nor flight from all distress, but this:
The grace that orders our trouble and pain,

And then, in the darkness, is there to sustain.

~John Piper

The One

2010-07-11T18:35:00.019-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, Benjamin had an end-of-the-season baseball party. As a final hurrah, the coach took the team outside to play some baseball. Our little Caleb was not far behind. He is usually two steps behind Benjamin wherever he goes. He wants to be just like his big brother.

Somewhere along the way, Caleb grabbed hold of a batting helmet. I don't know where he found it or why he decided to put it on, but I will always thank God for it. It may well have been the helmet that saved his life.

A few minutes into the game, Caleb (again, two steps behind Benjamin) was hit in the head with a baseball bat by his beloved big brother. It was an accident, but the motive or lack thereof did not decrease the severity of the hit. The blow was so hard that it caused the helmet to bruise the left side of Caleb's forehead just in front of his temple.

Caleb is a pretty tough cookie, but he cried long and hard. Knowing that head injuries are not to be trifled with, I immediately called the pediatrician to see if I should take him to the hospital. After asking me twenty minutes worth of questions, the nurse told me to keep a close eye on him. Believe me, I did.

I am no longer under the illusion that my life or the lives of my loved ones are invincible. To the contrary, I am well aware that life is incredibly fragile and that the thread between life and death can easily be cut in a moment's time. I try to embrace the gift of each day, each hour, each moment with those I love, knowing that tomorrow is no guarantee.

Caleb's head has healed, and he is fine. No permanent damage was done. But I refuse to walk away without pausing to say, "Thank you, God! Thank you for sparing my son's life. Thank you for giving him a helmet to protect his head." I do not take for granted this gift from God. I do not take for granted the blessing of a stubborn toddler who insisted on wearing a helmet for reasons that I will never know.

It is human nature to point the finger at God when things fall apart but to fail to thank Him when things go well. So many times, I am guilty of this mentality. "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" (Job 2:10). Why is it that when a single plane crashes, people ask, "Where was God?" But when thousands upon thousands of planes fly the airways safely each day, hardly anyone says, "Thank you God!"?

I am reminded of the time when Jesus healed ten lepers, and only one came back to thank him. Then Jesus answered,"Were not ten cleansed? Where are the other nine? Was no one found to return and give praise to God?" (Luke 17).

Today, I want to be the one.

My Pride & Joy

2010-06-24T22:08:00.032-04:00

When I lost my grandparents, I mourned the loss of the many memories that we shared together, but in losing my David, I am mourning the loss of the many memories that we will never share. I know that everyone can relate to loss, but I also know that it is hard for some to relate to the loss of a baby. From an outside perspective, I guess that it may seem "easier" since we did not have time to become too "attached."

Well, I can only speak from my own experience, but I can tell you that losing my David has not been easy. It has been lonely and difficult. I cannot even stand to be within earshot of a crying baby without getting sick to my stomach. The reality of his loss is nauseating to me. No one knew him like I knew him. No one but me spent every waking and sleeping moment with him for nine months. No one else had the privilege to feel his every movement - no one but me.

I am sorry that I did not get the chance to introduce him to you. Like any new baby, he was my pride and joy. When Benjamin and Caleb were born, my greatest joy in life was to show them off to everyone who would give me the time of day. Well, I never got the chance to "show off" my David. So, this post is dedicated to doing just that.

I realize that it is a poor substitute to carrying around my beautiful baby boy with soft black curls and introducing him to every person that I meet, but this is all that I have. So, here goes my meager attempt to "show off" my precious son, David Nathaniel.

Special thanks to Oana Hogrefe Photography for capturing these priceless moments for our family. You captured every detail and every emotion with such elegance and authenticity. We are eternally grateful for you.

Divine Despair

2010-06-07T11:21:00.003-04:00

I don't know about you, but I love music. It touches my soul in a way that nothing else can. Two of my all-time favorite songs are Magnificent Obsession and One Pure and Holy Passion. Though I have sung these songs hundreds of times over the years, they never get old. I think that the reason that these songs mean so much to me is because I feel that they reflect the cry of my heart.

Now, I have a new favorite song. I Asked the Lord by John Newton:

I asked the Lord that I might grow,
In faith and love and every grace,
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face.

Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He I trust has answered prayer.
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He'd answer my request.
And by His love's constraining power,
Subdue my sins and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel,
The hidden evils of my heart.
And let the angry powers of hell,
Assault my soul in every part.

Yeah, more with His own hand, He seemed,
Intent to aggravate my woe.
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low.

"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried.
Wilt Thou pursue Thy worm to death?"
"Tis in this way" the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and faith."

"These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou mayest seek thy all in Me."
—John Newton

Friends, for many years, I asked God to "give me one pure and holy passion", to "give me one magnificent obsession." Namely, I asked God to give me more of Himself. Truly, God is answering my prayer, "but it has been in such a way, as almost drove me to despair" (John Newton). The process of pruning has required my Father to "cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things" and to "let all my dreams fall to the ground until this one remains" (Steven Curtis Chapman).

I have kicked and screamed all throughout this process and probably will continue to do so. Oh, how painful it has been and continues to be! Though I suspect that my tantrums probably appear to God as the fits of a toddler to his parent when things don't go his way, I do not doubt my Father's love for me. In the same way that I smile and shake my head when my Caleb throws a temper tantrum, I know that my Father is smiling upon me with His all-sufficient, all-knowing love. You see, I love my child too much to let him get his way when I know that it will only harm him. How much greater is the perfect love of my Heavenly Father towards me.

The Song of Sorrow

2010-05-16T23:05:00.000-04:00

The past two weeks have been terribly difficult for me. The first and second day of May marked the 2-month anniversary of David's birth and death. As each new month begins, my soul is assaulted with the reminder of my precious David's painfully short life. Sometimes, I feel like it has been an incredibly long journey, and other times I feel like we just lost him yesterday. But mostly I just feel sorrow.

I feel like such a different person than I did a few months ago, and frankly, I am not too fond of the new me. Recently, I had an emotional breakdown when a close friend of mine told me that she is pregnant. Why? I wish that I knew. I am not really sure. For some reason, I just completely fell apart. It was as if a boil had been festering in the pit of my soul, and it suddenly burst open.

I used to be this really stable person who just let things "roll" off my back. I liked to think of myself as a shelter that others could depend on when the storms of life were closing in. Well, sorry friends, not anymore. Not me. Not now.

I feel a little bit like Emma Thompson's character in "Sense and Sensibility" (Elinor Dashwood). Throughout the movie, she is incredibly strong, though she is quietly bearing the heavy burden of a broken heart. However, at the end of the movie, she bursts into tears, crying uncontrollably. Her emotions finally get the best of her. This is how I feel, except that Emma Thompson's emotional outburst is endearing; mine is not.

People keep telling me that this struggle will change me for the better. I hope that they are right because I have yet to see the "better." Right now, I am just trying to figure out who this strange person is that has moved into my body because I do not feel like I know her very well. I recognize her voice, but she is singing a song that I do not know - the song of sorrow.

I am told that this song will begin to fade as time passes, but it will never stop playing in the background. As I stop and look at the world around me, I wonder how many others are singing this same song. I wonder why it is that this song is so unrecognizable. I remember hearing a line or two when my grandparents passed away and a few notes on occasion when listening to a tragic story. But now, I hear the entire song playing over and over again, and the tune is very different than I had imagined it to be.

I hope that as time goes by, the notes will slowly begin to sound sweeter. Yet, I know that the song will continue to be out-of-tune until the day that I see my Savior face-to-face. The wisest man that ever lived once said, "It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart" (Ecclesiastes 7:2-3).

My sorrow feels dreadfully painful, and I admit that I do not understand how all of this pain could be good for my heart. But the other day my sweet husband reminded me that my Heavenly Father has "kept count of my tossings" and "put my tears in [His] bottle" (Psalm 56:8). What sweet relief to know that not one of my tears has been wasted. My Father has stored every one of my tears in His bottle, and He will use these very tears of sorrow to water my dry and weary soul.

Words of Life

2010-04-25T20:36:00.001-04:00

In March 2007, I attended a women's retreat lead by Judy Reamer. Judy is a Messianic Jew with an amazing testimony about how Christ drew her to Himself. She spent most of the weekend talking about the importance of reading and knowing God's Word. I was ripe and ready for the hearing. I had just finished three grueling years of law school during which time reading the Bible had taken a backseat in my life.

I walked away from Judy's message inspired and determined to know God's Word. I read through the entire Bible three times that year. Looking back, I can see that God was using this time to prepare me for combat. In His infinite wisdom, only God knew the monumental battles that lurked around the corner of my life.

In September 2007, Tom enrolled in seminary and left his full-time job. The two years that followed this transition were marked with turmoil, and there were moments when we were unsure whether or not our marriage could survive such tremendous stress. We were "struck down, but not destroyed ... constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus could be manifested in our mortal flesh" (II Corinthians 4:9-11).

During this season, I began to learn what it meant to crucify my flesh with its passions and desires (Galatians 5:24), and allow me to let you in on a little secret - it was ugly. I had no clue that so much disgusting sediment was lying in the dark recesses of my heart. Learning to die to myself has been an agonizing process.

Last autumn, we began to see light at the end of the tunnel as Tom was finishing seminary. But before our battle wounds had opportunity to heal, we were struck down with the devastating news that our baby boy had a fatal condition that would not allow him to survive outside of my womb. God had promised that He would not give us more than we could handle, but there were moments when I was not sure that I believed this promise to be true.

I can relate with Jesus' disciples in asking, "Lord, this is a hard teaching. [How can I] accept it?" The enemy has tempted me to give up, telling me lies that God is not really good. Through my darkest moments, the Word of God has answered my many questions with the most important question of all, "Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life. I believe and know that you are the Holy One of God" (John 6:60-69).

I have spent many moments questioning God and His goodness to me, and I know that if there are ever to be any answers to my questions, God Himself is the only one who can supply them. I will probably never fully understand why God has orchestrated this turmoil in my life, but He has given me brief glimpses into the goodness of His sovereign plan.

In the darkest valley of my life, I am learning that only the Word of God can provide hope and healing to my broken heart. Through the reading of His Word, God is making me "like a tree firmly planted by streams of water," rather than "like chaff, which the wind drives away" (Psalm 1). Therefore, I must continue to "hold fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain" (Philippians 2:16).

True Prosperity

2010-04-11T22:35:00.008-04:00

A couple of years ago, I watched a YouTube video of John Piper adamantly opposing the prosperity gospel. If you are not familiar with the prosperity gospel, it is a term used to describe a false gospel that teaches that if you believe in Jesus you will have health, wealth, and prosperity. In other words, if you want to live a life of ease and comfort, then play your cards right with God, and you will be blessed.

I strongly agreed with Piper's opposition to this false doctrine and was indignant that people portrayed Jesus as some sort of cosmic vending machine. My new favorite Bible verse became Psalm 73:25-26, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Piper said that Jesus alone was all satisfying, and I wholeheartedly agreed ... or so I thought.

Apparently, my conviction that Jesus is all-satisfying was not as rock-solid as I believed it to be. You see, I was living life "at ease, and he broke me apart; he seized me by the neck and dashed me to pieces" (Job 16:12). I am learning that it is one thing to say that Jesus is enough, but it is quite another thing to live it when God shakes you to the very core of your being.

In his song Questions, Steven Curtis Chapman asks, "Who are you God? For You are turning out to be so much different than I imagined. And where are you God? Because I am finding life to be so much harder than I had planned. And where were you God? I know you had to be right there. I know you never turn your head." These are my questions too.

Since learning of David's diagnosis six months ago, I have been wrestling with God. There are no easy answers and no platitudes to make me feel better. I either believe in the God of the Bible, or I don't. I either take Him at His word, or I don't take Him at all. I cannot make God into my own image. I cannot take the parts that I like about Him and leave the parts that make me uncomfortable. It is all or nothing.

When I left my 20-week ultrasound appointment, God had not changed. The same God who walked with me into the hospital with David alive in my womb was the same God who walked with me out of the hospital with David's lifeless body cradled in my arms. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). God has not changed; I have changed. My faith has been put to the test. Thank God that He is able to keep me from stumbling, and to make me stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy (Jude 1:24).

Hebrews 11, the great faith hall of fame, says that some "through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection ... Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated ... And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect."

Destitute ... afflicted ... mistreated? This is certainly not what I had in mind for my life. I like health, wealth, and prosperity. I like being comfortable, and I want God to bless me. God has blessed me tremendously, and I do not want to discount His provision, but I am learning that my ease and comfort are not God's primary objectives in my life. He is pruning me so that I may bear fruit, and it is a painful process. God is the great surgeon who is using His scalpel to perform open heart surgery on me.

And, when all is said and done, I believe that I will have true prosperity - abundant life in Jesus that allows me to face whatever he brings my way with the confidence that "my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth" (Job 19:25).

The Raw Truth

2010-03-27T13:54:00.003-04:00

I am sorrowful.

Grief is my constant, unrelenting companion. Everything around me reminds me of David. When I see a picture that was taken before David, I think to myself, "I had no idea when I took that picture that I was going to have a baby boy that would die." When I walk by the baby section in Target, I get choked up thinking about the fact that I should be shopping there. When I hear a baby's cry, I wish that it were my baby.

Every day when I wake up, I am confronted with the harsh reality that my baby boy is not going to cry for me today or any day. In going through my daily routine, I am constantly thinking of all the things that I should be doing with my newborn son, and I am flooded with feelings of loss and emptiness.

I am afraid.

I am scared to "move on" because I feel like moving on means forgetting David, and I do not want to forget him or move on with my life without him. I feel as if I am in a time warp while all of the world is moving on without me. It is as if I have boarded a ship that is sailing farther away from David with each day that passes on the calendar.

I know that I will never "get over" David, and I will most certainly never forget him. David changed my life forever, and somehow I have to learn to adjust to the new "me." This new me is less controlled, more emotional, and much more uncertain than ever before.

I am angry.

I asked God to do something miraculous. In fact, God put it in my heart to ask for David’s healing, and then He said, “no.” His answer to my prayer was a no, without any explanations. Well-meaning people try to find a miracle in the situation by saying that that the fact that David was born alive was a miracle. I do not deny that the seven hours that we got to spend with David alive outside of my womb were truly a gift from God, but this was NOT the miracle that I asked God to do.

In God’s sovereign control over the work of His hands, He knit David together with bones that were not strong or big enough to sustain his life. I do not need to make excuses for God about why David was not healed. The truth is that I know that God was able to heal him. It would not have been difficult for the Creator of the Universe to heal my baby boy. But He chose not to do it, and this makes me mad. I do not understand. "O Sovereign Lord, you alone know." (Ezekiel 37:3)

I have hope.

If only for this life do I have hope in Christ, then I am to be pitied more than all men (I Corinthians 15:19). But thanks be to God. "Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (I Corinthians 15:55-57).

Therefore, I will stand firm and let nothing move me because I know that my labor in the Lord is not in vain.

A Letter to David

2010-03-14T10:45:00.006-04:00

My Sweet Baby David,

There are so many things that I want to say to you. First and foremost, I love you and miss you so much. It is hard not to have you here with me. My arms ache to hold you close. I want to run my hands through your soft, black curls and touch your beautiful, little face. How I wish that I could hold you once again.

Our time together was too short, but I would not take back one moment of it. I did not want for you to be born one day early because I wanted to spend every possible moment with you. I am thankful that our Heavenly Father allowed my body to go into labor on its own - that way I will never have to wonder how many hours that I missed out on spending with you in my womb.

Carrying you in my womb was sometimes difficult, but if I could have kept you there for the rest of my life, I would have done it. As each day drew us closer to your "due" date, I wondered how I was going to get through your birth. I did not know if I had the strength to make it through, and the truth is that I did not have the strength, but our Heavenly Father carried me through. It was painfully beautiful, bittersweet, excruciating and wonderful ... all at the same time.

I was worried about how "being born" would affect you. I did not want for you to suffer. I knew that you were fragile, and I prayed so many times that God would place a hedge of protection around you. He did. My labor was very quick. We arrived at the hospital sometime after 8:00 p.m., and you were born at 11:01 p.m. When Dr. Joe came to "deliver" you, your bag of water was still fully intact like a beautiful pool of water protecting your precious little bones. Amazing grace!

You cried when you were born. I had prayed that you would cry. I knew that healthy babies always cry when they are born. I prayed that your cry would be the sweetest sound that I had ever heard, and it was. It was not a strong cry, but it forced oxygen into your little lungs. That cry kept you alive and allowed you to spend sweet time with us. David, those seven hours with you will forever be etched in our memories.

I wanted for you to weigh five pounds because I had made up my mind that the five-pound marker was a milestone, and it marked the sign of a thriving baby. The scale told us that you weighed 4lbs. 14.5oz., but your Aunt Jenny told me that you were at least 5 lbs. when you were born because you peed several times before we weighed you. I think that she was right. You were five pounds when you were born, even though the doctors all said that you would not be an ounce over 4lbs. 8oz. You showed them!

Before you were born, part of me was afraid to see you because I did not know what you would look like. I am sorry for being afraid, sweet baby boy. I tried to be strong for you, but sometimes I was scared. When I saw your beautiful face and your head full of soft, black curls, I immediately fell in love. You were absolutely gorgeous! You looked just like a little porcelain doll. I had always wanted a baby with lots of hair, and God gave me this gift in you, David. What a gift you were to us.

You cried for over four hours after you were born. I wanted so badly to comfort you and make things better for you. I felt so helpless because I did not know how to help you feel better. Your daddy was the one who was finally able to calm you down around 3:30 in the morning. You laid on his chest and slept peacefully. This time was such a precious time for you and daddy. I had been blessed to take care of you for nine months, and it was daddy's turn to take care of you for a little while. What a gift to you and daddy.

Even though you were sleeping peacefully, I could not rest my eyes. As you and daddy slept, I stared intently at you, watching every breath. I was afraid that if I took my eyes off of you for even a second, you might stop breathing. Around 4:00 a.m., the nurse came in to check your vitals. Your heart was still beating strongly, and you were still breathing, though your breaths were labored. I asked daddy if I could take a turn holding you for a while. He gladly handed you to me.

After I laid you on my chest, I was finally able to close my eyes to rest. We fell asleep together in the stillness of the night. It was so peaceful. I woke up about 6:00a.m. and looked down at you. I questioned whether or not you were still breathing, but I was not sure that I wanted to know the answer, so I closed my eyes for a few minutes and tried to go back to sleep. I did not want for our time together to end. It was like waking up from a good dream and trying desperately to fall back asleep ... I did not want it to be over.

I woke up your daddy a few minutes later, and he could not find your breath. I started to cry. We called the nurse into the room, and she could not find your heartbeat. Our hearts broke as your daddy and I wept together in those early morning hours. We did not want to let you go.

As the sun rose, the snow fell peacefully to the ground the morning of your passage from earth to heavenly paradise. We had given your life over to God, but it was so hard to cut the strings of release. It is still so hard, David. I suspect that those strings will have to be re-cut many times in the coming days, weeks, and years. Letting go of you while holding fast to the memories is a seemingly endless cycle of love and pain.

We spent the day in the hospital with you, holding you close. We did not want to put you down for even one minute. Every second of time with you counted as a week, a month, or a year that we would never be able to spend together. I stared intently at your precious face, trying to etch every little feature of yours into my memory. I did not want to forget anything about you ... your long fingers and toes, your sweet smell, your soft skin, your tiny nose, your adorable lips, and that head full of curly, black hair - your crown of glory! You were so beautiful.

We had many precious moments with you that day as the snow fell steadily outside of our hospital window. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, and we LOVED you, David. I could not give you enough kisses to last a lifetime, but I gave you as many as I could that day. I knew that we could not stay there forever, but I did not want our time together to end. I did not want to leave that hospital without you. How could I bear to go home without my precious baby boy in my arms?

Dr. Joe and the hospital staff graciously arranged for us to leave that evening when the funeral director came to take you. I held you close as the nurse wheeled us out of the hospital. I could not look up. I wept as we moved down the halls and out the door. The time had come. The funeral director was waiting in his white van to take you away.

I hugged and kissed you and handed your small, fragile body over to him. You were wrapped tightly in your soft, white blanket. Oh David, that was the hardest thing that I have ever done. The memory of that moment is still almost too difficult to bear. As we walked to our car and the white van disappeared into the distance, it took every bit of strength that I could muster to hold myself back from chasing after you. I knew that I could not keep you, but the pain of letting you go felt unbearable.

We met with the funeral director the next morning to finalize the arrangements for your service. I sat at the table and cried as we discussed the details. Once again, I had to tie myself to the chair because every part of me wanted so badly to come find you. My arms ached to hold you.

Somehow, by God's grace, we made it through the next couple of days. On Friday, your Mimi took me to buy a new outfit. I wanted to look nice for your service. I wanted to honor your life. When we walked into the store and started pulling clothes off the racks, the lady at the store asked me, "What's the occasion?" I could not tell her. I just wanted to buy something and get out of that store as quickly as possible. I looked at her and replied, "Trust me, you do not want to know." She was very sweet and gracious to us.

On Saturday, we woke up to a beautiful, sunny day. It felt like spring outside. The irony of it all was strange ... a snowfall on the day of your death ... spring on the day of your funeral. We forced ourselves to go through the motions of getting dressed and ready to go. I felt like I was watching a movie of someone else's life. As we arrived at the funeral home, I kept thinking, "What are we doing? Why I am here?"

It was good to see your sweet face once again. In my heart, I knew that you were not really in that tiny, white casket. I knew that you were alive and well with your Heavenly Father. Your daddy had often prayed and reminded me that you would be given a new body one day - a frame with strong, healthy bones. I can picture you in my mind's eye running and playing with your brothers in the heavenlies one day ... no more broken bones, no more pain, no more tears.

God was glorified by your life and in your death. Your life served a great, big purpose, David. You touched so many hearts. You were and will continue to be an indescribable gift to us. It has been such a privilege to be your mommy. I am forever changed.

Always loving and missing you,

Mommy

David's Celebration Service

2010-03-03T12:34:00.005-05:00

A memorial service to celebrate the life of David Nathaniel Watson will be held at 2 p.m. on Saturday, March 6, 2010, in the Chapel at Crowell Brothers Funeral Home, 5051 Peachtree Industrial Blvd., Norcross, Georgia. Our family will receive visitors on Saturday from 1-2 p.m. at the funeral home.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the National Christian Foundation, 11625 Rainwater Dr., Suite 500, Alpharetta, GA 30009, for The David Nathaniel Giving Fund - fund #759371. This fund was established to continue the legacy of David's small but powerful life. All contributions will be used to support the ministries that have loved and encouraged us through this journey.

David Nathaniel is Born

2010-03-02T19:35:00.005-05:00

Our beloved gift from God, David Nathaniel Watson, was born on March 1, 2010, at 11:01 p.m. He weighed in at 4 lbs. 14 oz. We enjoyed precious time with our beautiful baby boy. David went to be with his Creator on March 2, 2010, around 6:00 a.m.

More than Enough

2010-02-24T21:29:00.001-05:00

It is difficult to believe that my due date is only a few days away. In a very short time, David will be born, and a new journey will begin. It is hard for me to imagine what this new journey will look like. I guess that part of me is grateful that God does not allow me to know His plans for tomorrow because I am not sure that I want to know. I rest solely on the promise that His plans for me are good (Jeremiah 29:11; Romans 8:28).

I do not feel ready to “let go and let God”, but I realize that the time has come for me to lay my Isaac (literally my David) on the altar. No one can do this for me – I must do it myself. Just as Abraham told Isaac on their journey to the altar, so I must remember, “The Lord will provide” (Genesis 22:8). I do not know what His provision will look like or how it will come. I only know that His promises are true, so I embrace them by faith. Tommy and I have not lacked God’s provision in any way along this journey, and we will not lack His provision when David is born. We have learned in very tangible ways over the past few months that "God's work done in God's way will never lack God's supplies." ~ Hudson Taylor

When we needed good medical insurance to cover the cost of visits to specialists, ultrasounds and genetic testing, God provided. When Tommy finished his seminary classes and needed a full-time job, God provided. When we deeply needed our brothers and sisters in Christ to cover us in prayer and to love us in word and deed, God provided. He has provided for us in so many ways, and His provision has consistently been more than enough.

During communion at church this past Sunday, I was reminded that Jesus not only provides our daily bread, He is our daily bread. He is not just a means to an end – He is the end. He is the bread of life and the living water. When He fed the five thousand with five loaves and two fish, the disciples filled twelve baskets with the pieces left over by those who had eaten – one basket for each disciple – a symbolic reminder to each one of them that Jesus provides and that His provision is more than enough (John 6:13).

As I come to lay my Isaac at the altar, I choose to embrace the truth that having Jesus by my side is enough – period. I realize now that the point of this journey has not been that Jesus will provide me with what I think will satisfy my thirst. The point is that Jesus Himself satisfies my thirst, and the water that He supplies in Himself is a spring of water welling up to eternal life (John 4:14). “And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent” (John 17:3).

I know that Jesus is intimately concerned with meeting my temporal physical and emotional needs. He has proven this to be true. How much more, then, is He concerned about meeting my eternal needs? He is using this light momentary affliction to prepare for me “an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” So, I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. “For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal”(II Corinthians 4:17-18).

To My Valentine

2010-02-15T00:04:00.000-05:00

I’ve hijacked my valentine’s blog to honor her with a letter of encouragement, respect, and love.

Reference:
Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. Proverbs 31:25
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also... Proverbs 31:28

Rachael,

I’ve thought about what I should say to you this Valentine’s Day and Proverbs 31:25 seemed to me an appropriate verse for this year. Your body has changed over the last 8 months and the new clothes you’ve had to wear seem to all be made with the same interwoven fabrics: strength and dignity. The weight of circumstances you have faced in the last few months would make grown men crumble to their knees, but you, my dear, are strong. The aura of dignity that goes before you has strengthened my faith and the faith of so many others. As we portray a certain image by the clothes we wear I have to say that your fashion is heavenly.

The future is something mysterious because we have no control over it and we do not know if tomorrow will bring joy or sorrow. The next few weeks will bring some of the most difficult circumstances of our lives but whether they are filled with joy or sorrow I see a smile on your face. This isn’t a shallow or pretend smile that just thinks everything is going to be alright. This isn’t a smile that is detached from the reality of suffering. Your smile is different. You smile at the uncertainty of the future that would press upon you fear, anxiety, and hopelessness. You smile at this because you are grounded in the steadfast love of our God.

Your strength, dignity, and hope in the steadfast love of God causes your family to rise up and call you blessed.

Love- Tommy, Benjamin, Caleb, and David

Instrument of Glory

2010-02-08T21:30:00.000-05:00

On Friday we received the long-awaited results of my amniocentesis. The testing process took weeks to complete. Only two labs in the entire country have the capability of testing cells for the rare condition for which David was diagnosed. The results indicated that David has osteogenesis imperfecta, which is characterized by a mutation in collagen – a building block of bones. There at least 8 known types of OI, and apparently, David’s particular mutation is one-of-a kind. The laboratory said that they had never seen it before.

As I lay in bed Friday night, I began to reminisce about the journey through which God has brought us. It all started one fateful Saturday in June while Tommy was in Kenya. That morning I walked in and out of three drug stores before I got up the nerve to buy a pregnancy test. With the test in hand, I drove the kids to McDonald’s where I went to the bathroom and discovered the news that we were expecting our third baby. As Benjamin and Caleb blissfully played on the playground, I sat and stared at the wall in total shock.

Since Tommy was in a remote part of a third-world country, I had no way of reaching him other than by email. Admittedly, I was not initially happy about the unexpected news, so I decided to inform him by sending him a one-word email, “Congratulations.” It was three days before he got the message to which he replied, “Congratulations for what?” “Your new baby,” was my only response. Again, it was several days before I heard back from him. We were thousands of miles apart, unable to have a meaningful conversation about the information that would change our lives forever.

The rest of the story is history. When we went in for our routine, 20-week ultrasound in early October to find out if we were having a boy or a girl, we discovered that something was terribly wrong. Our baby boy had a lethal bone disease, and there was nothing that could be done about it. This discovery sent us into a whirlwind of emotion and confusion.

The further along that we get on this journey, the less sense it seems to make. What is God doing? It defies all human rationale. Why would God cause an unexpected pregnancy in order to create a baby with a rare genetic mutation – indeed so rare that it is is unique only to him? I know that we are all one-of-a-kind, but this is taking it to a whole new level. In the midst of all of my questions, I am left with only one clear answer: David was uniquely created by God to be an instrument for His glory.

When Tommy and I went before the elders of our church early Sunday morning for prayer in accordance with James chapter 5, we were reminded of how Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were instruments for God’s glory. When they refused to worship King Nebuchadnezzar’s gods, they were threatened with death by burning. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego said to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we have no need to answer you in this matter. If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." Daniel 3:16-18.

The three men were bound and thrown into the fiery furnace, but the fire did not have any power over their bodies. The hair of their heads was not singed, their cloaks were not harmed, and no smell of fire came upon them. Nebuchadnezzar answered and said, "Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who has sent his angel and delivered his servants, who trusted in him, and set aside the king’s command, and yielded up their bodies rather than serve and worship any god except their own God.” Daniel 3:28. Hearing this story again reminded me of a childhood song entitled “God is Able.”

Therefore, Tommy and I come boldly before the throne of grace and proclaim with confidence, “The God whom we serve is able!” We stand resolutely on God’s Word during this time, for all of our hope is in Christ alone. The God who created all things can deliver David from the hand of death, so we stand firm, believing in faith, for all things are possible to him who believes. But, even if God chooses not to deliver David, we stand firm in the promise that He will fill our hearts with all joy and peace as we trust in Him, so that we may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13.

Whether through our suffering or through his healing, David Nathaniel is an instrument for God’s glory.

Child of Mine

2010-01-29T08:40:00.009-05:00

This past week has been rough. I had two doctors’ appointments, and the primary focus of both appointments was to discuss the birth plan for baby David. I can hardly believe that my due date is less than 5 weeks away. When I think about what I was doing 5 weeks ago, it seems almost like yesterday. Time is so fleeting.

The birth process can be stressful for any baby, but I am told that it will be especially traumatic for little David, due to the fragility of his bones. I know that he must come out, sooner or later, but the thought of putting him through this painful process is difficult for me to bear, not to mention the fact that he will be forced to try to breathe on his own as soon as he is born. All that I can do is pray each and every day that God will put a hedge of protection around him and shield him from pain and suffering.

During my visit to the specialist, I had yet another ultrasound. I have had so many ultrasounds now that I have lost count. It is always good to see David again, but it is painful too, as each time I am callously reminded that the size of his ribcage is “well within the lethal range.” No matter how many times I hear this report, it never gets any easier. It is always a knife through my heart.

This time, the ultrasound technician was my angel. She spent the majority of the time taking 4-d pictures of David before doing the routine, rote measurements of his growth. He was sleeping peacefully during most of the process, with his chin resting sweetly on his little arms. He is a beautiful baby. I cannot tell you what a joy it was for me to see his precious face for the very first time. I will never forget that moment.

He has a little bit of hair, though not much yet. He probably will be mostly bald, just like his big brothers were when they were born. The picture was so detailed that I could even see his long eyelashes – amazing! At that moment, he was so real to me, and he looked so perfect. All that I could think was, “I just want to keep him. Oh please, Lord, let me keep him.” And in the midst of my pain and pleading, the Holy Spirit of God gently whispered to me, “My child, he is not yours to keep.”

In my head, I know that this is true. I knew it five years ago when Tom and I dedicated Benjamin to God, and I was reminded again three years later when we dedicated Caleb, but I must say that knowing this in my head is very different than understanding it in my heart. A couple of months back, a close friend asked me what was at stake in my decision to “put myself out there” instead of going into my shell of self-pity, which is my natural tendency. I did not have to think long about my answer. By far, the hardest part of this journey has been to release my children to God.

I have realized, now more than ever before, that I do not control the wellbeing of my children, as much as I would like to think that I do. I can try to protect them from physical harm, keep them away from dangerous people, take care of their health, etc., but ultimately their wellbeing is out of my hands. As I first processed the news of David’s condition 15 weeks ago, I was filled with fear at the thought that if God would choose to take David, then what would stop Him from taking Benjamin or Caleb?

What about Job? Job was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil, and God took all of his children. Why should I be any different? I know that most of these thoughts were fear-based, driven by an attack from the enemy, yet I still had to grapple with the truth that my children belonged to God, not to me, and as such, they were in His hands. So, I was faced with two primary questions. Can God be trusted, and will He be good to me and Tom and to our children? The answer to both questions, of course, is yes, but once again, knowing something in my head is quite different than understanding and believing it in my heart.

In His great grace and patience, I believe that God has grown me in this process, though I am far from perfect in my understanding and application of His control over my life and His goodness in it. It is a daily battle of my independence vs. God’s sovereignty and goodness. I pray that He will help me to trust Him more, as I continue to plead with Him each and every day for David’s healing.

It is so difficult for me to live in total dependence upon God. In fact, apart from his mercy and grace, it is impossible. I want to figure out His plan and then rely on my own strength to walk through it. I want to know what He is doing. If He is going to choose to heal David, then I can breathe a huge sigh of relief and thank Him for his miraculous intervention. If not, then I can start to “cope” with the reality that I must let David go and somehow learn to trust in God's goodness in the midst of my suffering. But being in limbo and living in the unknown is so hard.

I must continually “renew my mind.” I must be present today and not try to live out tomorrow. I cannot muster up the strength to cope with tomorrow’s problems today because I am only promised the grace that I need to make it through today. In a letter written by Corrie Ten Boom, she recalls the following story from her childhood:

When I was a little girl…, I went to my father and said, “Daddy, I am afraid that I will never be strong enough to be a martyr for Jesus Christ.” “Tell me,” said Father, “When you take a train trip to Amsterdam, when do I give you the money for the ticket? Three weeks before?” “No, Daddy, you give me the money for the ticket just before we get on the train.” “That is right,” my father said, “and so it is with God’s strength. Our Father in Heaven knows when you will need the strength to be a martyr for Jesus Christ. He will supply all you need – just in time. “

And so I am relying on my Heavenly Father to give me my train ticket each day. I do not know which train I am scheduled to board, but I know that He will give me the ticket to ride it – just in time.

The Miracle of Faith

2010-01-18T08:45:00.000-05:00

Recently, God has been teaching me about faith. Specifically, God has been speaking to my heart about the faith of Abraham. I have always believed that God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all that we could ask or imagine, and deep in my heart, I hoped that He would do just that. I secretly hoped that God would "surprise" me by healing David, but I was not about to ask Him to do it. Simply believing that God was able seemed to be enough.

Over the past couple of weeks, the Spirit of God has gently shown me that my believing that He is able and my hoping that He might surprise me by doing something miraculous is not enough. For some reason, God is calling me and Tom to ask Him to miraculously heal David. It may sound silly, but for me, this is a huge step of faith. Why must I ask Him? Isn't God able to do whatever He pleases? What difference does it make if I ask?

I think that part of my unwillingness to ask God for a miracle was due to my unwillingness to be disappointed in God. If I put myself out there and ask for the impossible, what happens if God says no? I can believe in God’s goodness and accept the prospect that He may ordain our son’s life to be too short without understanding why, but I think that asking God for the impossible may stretch my ability to believe in God's goodness further than it ever has ever been stretched before.

I do not pretend to understand all that God is doing, but I know that I must obey. When God promised Abraham that he would become the father of many nations, Abraham believed and obeyed what God told him to do. God said, "Your descendants will be as numerous as the stars," even though such a promise seemed impossible! And Abraham's faith did not weaken even though he knew that he was too old to be a father and that Sarah, his wife, had never been able to bear children. Romans 4:18-19.

Abraham was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised. It was by faith that Abraham offered Isaac as a sacrifice when God was testing him. Abraham was ready to sacrifice his only son, Isaac, though God had promised him, "Isaac is the son through whom your descendants will be counted." Genesis 21:12. Abraham believed God who brings the dead back to life and who brings into existence what didn't exist before. Romans 4:17.

So, by faith, Tom and I are asking God to heal David "for nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37. I must be honest - this is very difficult for me. I want to understand it, to rationalize it and to somehow explain it to myself and others. I do not usually ask for things unless I am relatively certain that I will get them. I do not consider myself to be a miracle-prayer. Right or wrong, this is a big stretch for me.

But amidst all of my questions, I am certain of one thing: my failure to ask God for David's healing would be disobedience. While I do not understand why, I know without a doubt that He is telling me to ask. So, Tom and I are asking God to do something miraculous. We are asking our great God to bring healing to David's bones, to cause his bones to grow and to develop his lungs so that he is able to breathe on his own. We are asking God for the "impossible."

We are not asking because we are certain of the answer. We are asking because we trust our Father who is telling us to ask. We are asking for the miracle of faith.

The Gift of Hope

2010-01-09T10:55:00.004-05:00

Most people think of hiccups as an annoyance. To me, hiccups are a sign of life and hope.

Babies in utero breathe and swallow amniotic fluid. This is part of normal development. For weeks, the doctors have told me that David could stop swallowing fluid at any time because his small chest may restrict him from doing so. If he stops swallowing fluid, then excess fluid will build up, which will likely result in his early birth.

When David hiccups, I am reassured that he is still swallowing fluid. The longer that he continues to swallow fluid, the longer that I can carry him! Sometimes, several days go by without my noticing any hiccups, and I start to worry that he may no longer be swallowing. Then, out of the blue, he starts hiccuping again, and I thank God that He has given us more time together.

Every time that I see another ultrasound, I am reminded again that David’s chest is extremely small, restricting the development of his lungs. The irony of it all is that he is completely viable in my womb because I am able to supply him with all of the oxygen that he needs. Theoretically, he could live inside of me indefinitely, and I sometimes wish that this were possible.

My emotions have ranged greatly during the past 12 weeks. At the beginning, I wanted all of this to end as quickly as possible. Then, as time passed, I slowly began to appreciate the time that God has given me to carry David, though it may be short. Many well-meaning people have told me that they are “praying for a miracle,” and I usually respond that the “miracle” may not be physical healing. So far, I have not seen any evidence of physical healing.

It may sound strange, but for a while I was not even open to the possibility of David’s physical healing. The thought of his death was painfully difficult to bear, but somehow accepting this reality was more bearable than hoping for a physical miracle. I guess that I was afraid of disappointment. However, I am reminded that “hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” Romans 5:5.

I can now say that the Holy Spirit of God has granted me the ability to hope, not necessarily in a miraculous healing for David, but the ability to open my heart to whatever God wants to do in this situation. Certainly, He is able to miraculously heal David, and I should not dismiss this possibility in order to protect myself from disappointment. You see, my Father has shown me that I can trust Him with my heart because He will not disappoint.

My Father knows how fragile my heart is, so I do not have to be afraid of trusting Him with it. I can hope for miracles, knowing that My God is able. He is able to change David’s prognosis by simply speaking the word. Just as He spoke all of creation into being, He can speak life into this precious child.

This is not a “name it and claim it” theology whereby one can attain miracles by having “enough” faith. I believe that true faith is quite opposite to a “name it and claim it” theology. True faith is to believe in God’s goodness, His plan and His provision no matter how dim the outlook may seem. True faith is to walk by faith and not by sight. True faith believes in God’s ability to redeem any situation, for “without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6.

So, by the grace of God, I will continue to hope in Him each day, and I will cherish every hiccup knowing that it is a gift from God.

A Lifetime of Memories

2009-12-31T22:10:00.001-05:00

Christmas was bittersweet this year. It was sweet to be at home with the boys and to see their expressions on Christmas morning. Caleb has been singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" for a few weeks now. I am not sure whether or not he made the connection on Christmas morning that Santa had come to town, but it was a joy to hear him sing. The boys both told me that their favorite gift was a $1 jump rope in their stockings -- no surprise. It is the little things in life that bring the most joy.

David had a stocking and a few other small items under the tree. Benjamin opened David's presents for him, and we enjoyed the time together. Tommy said that he had always wanted to have three little boys, and for this one Christmas his wish came true. All three of our little boys were present with us to celebrate Christmas day. It was a day that I will never forget.

Over the past week, a deep sadness has slowly crept over me, growing a bit stronger with each passing day. The phrase "Happy New Year" is not one that I can bring myself to say this year. The year 2010 does not represent happiness to me. The clock is ticking, and our time with David is growing shorter each day. It doesn't seem fair. Sometimes, I find myself throwing temper tantrums with God. "Why, Lord? Why me? Why this child?"

Many things do not make sense to me. Benjamin loves babies. He loves to hold his cousin Max, and he talks to him so sweetly. Whenever we see a baby, Benjamin gets down on his knees to talk to the baby. "Of all of the brothers in the world, why Lord, are you taking away Benjamin's baby brother?" Even my little bulldozer Caleb has a special place in his heart for "bebes." He loves to talk to them and to touch them. Sometimes, he tries to poke out Max's eyes, but I can honestly say that it is out of love. Benjamin and Caleb have an exceptional love for babies, so why must their baby brother be taken from them?

There are many things that I want to teach David and so many moments that I want to share with him ... his first smile, his first word, his first step. I will never get to potty-train him or teach him how to dress himself. Instead, I am forced to make a lifetime of memories with him in a few short months, and when it is all said and done, my arms will be empty with no baby to rock to sleep at night. Right now, these thoughts are almost too difficult for me to bear. At times, it is hard to breathe with the heavy weight that is bearing down on me.

We are making "arrangements" for David's burial and memorial service now in order to alleviate some of the stress later. There is a beautiful cemetery near my parents' home where we will probably lay our precious David to rest. Tommy and I are going to visit it sometime this weekend. When Tommy first called to inquire about their services, the man who answered the phone was the same person who sold us our home almost 8 years ago. I felt a certain peace knowing that we had a connection with the person who would walk us through this difficult process.

It is a horrible feeling to plan for the death of a child who is still squirming and hiccuping inside of me. It feels like a bad dream, and sometimes I just wish that I could wake up and realize that it isn't really happening. We desperately need your prayers as we walk through the next few months. Please pray that the grief will not overwhelm us, but instead that the peace of God that passes all understanding will rule our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Pray that we will enjoy a lifetime of memories in 2010.

The Road of Uncertainty

2009-12-20T21:27:00.001-05:00

Our journey since David's diagnosis 10 weeks ago has been marked with uncertainty. Although all of the specialists agree that his condition is fatal, it seems like every time we go to another doctor's appointment, we are told some new and different piece of information.

Sometimes, I feel like there are more questions than answers. What type of lethal skeletal dysplasia does David have? Is it a new mutation or a recessive gene that has suddenly emerged? How long will I be able to carry him in my womb? Will I experience complications with my pregnancy? Will he die in utero, or will he be born alive and live a few hours, days, weeks or months? At times, all of the uncertainty feels like more than I can bear.

All of the guesswork has made it clear that the science of medicine is limited by the confines of human comprehension. Man's knowledge is but a drop of water in the ocean of God's wisdom. Only the Creator of the universe knows and understands the intricacies of His creation. The Psalmist said, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13.

If God knit baby David together in my womb, then He chose to knit him with this genetic mutation, which will eventually lead to his death. Since I cannot understand God's plan in all of this, I must trust His wisdom and His goodness. "The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever." Deuteronomy 29:29.

Despite my frustration with all of the uncertainty, God has given me the grace to trust that He is working out each and every detail. He even uses human ignorance to work out His wonderful plans for His beloved. In Matthew 6:34, my Father told me "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." As God provided for the Israelites in the wilderness, He provides me with my daily bread, not my weekly or monthly bread. His mercies are new every morning - great is His faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23.

The enemy has tried to cause confusion and anxiety through the uncertainty, but my Heavenly Father is using the enemy's tactics for my good, as He produces in me endurance, character and hope. Romans 5:3-5. God's word assures me that there are no oversights or mistakes in His plan. There are only speed bumps in the road that He has paved by His sovereign grace.

The Kiss of Affliction

2009-12-08T21:09:00.013-05:00

This past week Matt Chandler, a prominent young pastor of a growing Dallas church, had surgery to remove a brain tumor after he collapsed at home on Thanksgiving morning. Chandler has significantly influenced Tom and me over the past couple of years, and he continues to encourage us in this trial. In response to the news of his tumor, he said, "There is this part of me that is so grateful that the Lord counted me worthy for this." These are my sentiments exactly.

Words are inadequate to describe the great love that the Father has shown me in this trial over the past 8 weeks. It has been completely overwhelming. Though the first taste was bitter, the mercy and grace that the Father has lavishly poured out has been so sweet. While I have cried many tears of sadness, I have also cried many tears of joy at the realization of the magnitude of the Father's great love for me ... that He would count me worthy to endure this trial and to be loved by Him with such intensity.

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you (I Peter 4:12). Do not be afraid, but take courage. Trust your Heavenly Father and the great love that He has for you as His child. "The clouds ye so much dread are big with mercy and shall break in blessings on your head. His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour. The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower." ~ William Cowper

George Mueller, a great man of faith, read Psalm 119:68 at his wife's funeral, "Thou art good, and doest good." The basis of his message was that God was good to give him his wife, God was good to give them many years together, and God was good in taking her from him. He said, "I will miss her in numberless ways, but I continually kiss the hand that afflicts me." Mueller could say this with integrity because He knew the intimate love of His Heavenly Father.

I kiss the hand that afflicts me because it is the sweetest hand of all.

Celebrating Life

2009-11-29T20:04:00.018-05:00

It is hard to believe that it has been seven weeks since we were first told of David's diagnosis. I can tell you that time flies, whether you are having fun or not. In those first few days after hearing the shocking news, I remember thinking, "How will I get through the next four months of my life? How can I walk around pregnant with this little life kicking inside of me knowing full well that he will not come home with me from the hospital?" I was consumed by these thoughts and overwhelmed with grief. I remember telling my sister Jenn how I wished that someone could just put me into a coma for the next several months.

At the beginning, I cried and cried as I tried to envision the next year of my life. "How will I endure this torture?" I thought. Each time I went to see another doctor for another ultrasound, I secretly hoped that the baby's heart was no longer beating. Why couldn't this all just end? I remember one day as Tommy and I stood in the kitchen discussing these things, he turned to me and asked, "Wouldn't it be nice if we could spend these next few months celebrating his life?" This infuriated me. "Celebrate his life?" I thought. "How insensitive can you be? You are not the one who has to carry this baby for the next twenty weeks."

Well, over time God has changed my heart and brought me to a place where I am enjoying this precious time with David. His tiny kicks and flips bring a smile to my face. Even though I cannot hold him in my arms, he is with me every moment, part of every conversation, and I am making memories with him each and every day.

Tommy and I recently decided that it was time to tell Benjamin and Caleb about David's diagnosis. We wanted to give them every opportunity to celebrate and enjoy David's life as a part of our family. So, last Tuesday evening we sat them down on the couch and told them the news. I explained David's condition in very simple terms and told them that David will probably go to heaven when he is born because his lungs will not work. Benjamin did not want to believe me at first, but the reality soon hit home, and his eyes filled with tears. We cried together on the couch. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm sad that Baby David is going to die." All I could say was, "Mommy is sad too ... Mommy is sad too."

I casually mentioned David a couple of times over the next few days. On Thanksgiving, we played the thankful game and took turns sharing things that we were thankful for. When it was my turn, I said, "I'm thankful for Benjamin, Caleb and David." Benjamin completely ignored my reference to David as he replied, "I'm thankful for Caleb." I did not press the issue because I did not want to push him. After all, it took me days to come to the place where I could speak a sentence without crying. Benjamin needed time to process and deal with the difficult news.

Today, Benjamin and I went to the grocery store together, and the cashier started to ask questions about the baby. She turned to Benjamin and asked him if he was going to have a baby brother or sister. "Oh no," I thought, "what will he say?" He casually answered that he was going to have a baby brother and that his name was David. I breathed a sigh of relief.

We put up our Christmas decorations today and hung a stocking for David. Tonight, Benjamin came and sat on my lap, rubbed my belly and said, "That's my baby brother David." "Yes," I answered, "he loves it when you talk to him." So, Benjamin began to 'tickle' my stomach and talk about how he was five years older than David. Then, he leaned over, kissed my belly and said, "I love you." What a priceless moment.

I pray that we have many more priceless moments together as we celebrate this Christmas season as a family of five. David is very much alive and part of every memory that we make. We love him dearly and will cherish every moment as we celebrate his precious life.

Wine in the Cellar

2009-11-19T19:17:00.005-05:00

“Count it all joy when you meet various trials," says James 1:2. Count it all joy? Really? I think that we are told to be joyful in suffering because joy magnifies the worth and greatness of Christ, above all else. God told Abraham in Genesis 15:1, “I am … your exceeding great reward.” It is easy to say that Christ is my great reward in times of ease, but how can I know for sure that He is truly my chief treasure unless I am forced to surrender a very precious jewel?

This is not a test that I wish to take, but God in his infinite wisdom and goodness knows what is best for me. I suppose that one reason God ordained my present suffering was to establish my delight in Him in the face of losing my precious baby boy. The Word of God says that this momentary affliction is preparing me for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. I hold on to this promise.

When Barbara Youderian lost her missionary husband Roger in January 1956 she responded, “God gave me this verse two days ago, Psalm 48:14: For this God is our God forever and ever; he will be our Guide even to the end. As I came face to face with the news of Roj’s death, my heart was filled with praise. He was worthy of his homegoing.” What a testimony of grace in the face of tremendous suffering. I pray that God would grant me such abundant grace in the face of incredible loss.

A few years ago, I watched an episode of “A Baby Story” on television. The show depicted a mother giving birth to a child that died shortly after delivery due to respiratory failure. I remember sitting there weeping as I watched the show thinking, “That would be unbearable.” I have never watched the show since that time.

Now, here I am, facing the same scenario. We have been told that our David will probably die of respiratory failure shortly after birth. By far, this is the most difficult news that I have ever been given in my entire life. Nothing that I have experienced to date comes close to comparing with this heartache; however, it is not “unbearable” in the way that I once thought it would be. I know that the worst is yet to come, but God is showing me in very tangible ways that His grace is sufficient – for today.

I guess that I was both right and wrong. At times, the thought of losing a child is unbearable. There are moments when I feel as though I cannot continue to walk this journey; yet my Heavenly Father, in His grace, is carrying me through one step at a time. His grace is sufficient, and He is giving me joy in Him as He gently reassures me of His great love for me. Samuel Rutherford said that the Great King keeps his wine in the cellars of affliction – not in the courtyard where the sun shines.

The riches of God’s grace are experienced most fully in the moments of my deepest pain, and I think that I am beginning to taste the wine of the Great King in this cellar of suffering.

One in a Thousand

2009-11-11T21:30:00.005-05:00

The other night Tom and I were driving home from small group, and a song came on the radio called "Heaven Is the Face" by Steven Curtis Chapman. I had never heard it before, but I discovered that it was written by Chapman after the sudden, unexpected death of his little girl last year. The words brought me to tears. I could identify with his feelings of confusion, grief and hope.

The following day, I turned on the radio and this same song was playing again. I thought to myself, "Hmmm, I am starting to see a pattern here ... maybe I should buy this song." When I went online to buy the song, I noticed that Chapman had written an entire album about the depth of his grief over the loss of his precious daughter and God's faithfulness in it. As God would have it, this album was released just last week. Coincidence? I think not.

You see, I discovered this album just a few hours after seeing another ultrasound of Baby David. During the ultrasound, the physician said, "You know, medicine is never 100% certain, but I am as close to 100% as one can be about the certainty of this diagnosis." He said that David has a form of lethal skeletal dysplasia that causes his bones to be very brittle. He showed me several places where it appeared that David's bones were badly fractured. My heart broke all over again. This news had gone from bad to worse.

Before seeing the pictures of his little broken bones, I had thought that the pain of this suffering was only affecting me and Tom. Now, we were faced with the possibility that this precious child may be experiencing pain because of his broken bones. I was overwhelmed with sorrow. As the tears streamed down my face, I asked the physician if the baby was in pain. He said, "No one really knows how babies in utero experience pain." Another stab to my heart. Instead of answers, I was left with more questions.

Why God is allowing this to happen, I do not know, but I am confident of this - God is good. His kindness is beyond measure. He knows the number of hairs on David's tiny head. If He sees when a sparrow falls to the ground and He clothes the lilies of the field in beautiful splendor, He most certainly knows every fracture in Baby David's body. The Father's love for my precious baby boy is far greater than I could ever imagine. So, I am praying and trusting that my gracious God is taking care of this precious child. I feel so helpless, but I rejoice all the more gladly in my helplessness because I know that when I am weak, my God is strong.

In listening to Chapman's album, I hear his brokenness, and I imagine that he must have asked many of the same questions that I am now asking. I am sure that he and his wife Mary Beth have wondered many times why God allowed their little girl to be taken from them. John Piper says that God is always doing thousands of things that we cannot see. He never has only one purpose in what He does. He always has thousands of purposes, in everything He does. He is infinitely wise, and everything He does relates to everything else that He does sooner or later. For those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, all of them work together for good.

My mind is small, and I cannot see or understand the thousands of things that God is doing. I find comfort in the knowledge that God could use the unexplainable tragedy of the death of Maria Sue Chapman to minister to me in my time of need ... and I am just one in a thousand purposes that God is working together for good.

Like a Child

2009-11-04T21:55:00.000-05:00

Thankfully, God was gracious to keep our Benjamin from asking any questions about Baby David for the first couple of weeks after learning the heart-wrenching news about his condition. I did not want to talk to Benjamin about the baby, and I prayed that he would not ask questions. Benjamin saw me crying from time to time, and he would say to me, "Mommy, do your eyes hurt?" "Yes," I would say, thinking to myself that I was telling him the truth because my whole head ached from continuous crying.

I tried to avoid wearing maternity clothing. On the days that I did not go to the office, I wore warm-up suits since I could camouflage my stomach under a jacket. I hoped that concealing my belly would make Benjamin, and everyone else, forget that I was pregnant. "Don't ask - don't tell." That was my new philosophy. I no longer wanted to be referred to as "cute and pregnant." I just wanted my belly to disappear, for it was a constant reminder to me and everyone else of the life inside of me.

A few of days ago, I had to take Benjamin to see the doctor. Remembering that the last time we went to the doctor was for Baby David's ultrasound, he asked, "Mommy, when is the doctor going to take out your baby?" If you are not familiar with five-year-old dialect, this question can be interpreted as, "when will the baby be born?" My heart skipped a beat. "Oh no," I thought. I guess I was hoping that he had forgotten about the baby. Trying to answer his question as calmly and casually as possible, I said, "Oh, it will be a long time." After all, four months is like an eternity to a five-year-old.

Continuing on with the conversation, Benjamin said, "Do you mean March?" "Yes," I answered, worried that he had caught on to more detail that I had anticipated. I explained that March was still four months away and quickly changed the subject. I was afraid that Benjamin may begin to entertain more questions to ask about the baby. What would I say? How do you explain to a five-year-old that he may never get to meet his tiny baby brother?

Since my grandmother passed away this past July, Benjamin is somewhat familiar with the concept of death. He brings it up from time to time, usually stating that Grandma died, and she is now in heaven. I am glad that he seems to understand this concept, to the extent that a five-year-old mind can grasp such things. However, I am almost certain that he thinks that death only applies to old people. Oh, how I wish that this were true.

Tom and I agree that it is not yet time to share the news of Baby David's condition with Benjamin. Since we can hardly comprehend this tragic news ourselves, we do not have the capacity to try and explain it to our son right now, nor do we think that he is ready to hear it. I know that God will provide the grace when the time is right, which may not be until the time of David's birth. Until that time, I am hoping and praying that God will prepare his little heart to understand. I am also praying that God will prepare my heart to understand "like a child" because I truly do not.

Called by Name

2009-10-29T20:38:00.006-04:00

A couple of months ago, I asked our oldest son, Benjamin, what he thought we should name the baby. He immediately said, "David," and I was offended by the fact that he automatically assumed that the baby was a boy since I was desperately hoping for a girl. So, I proceeded to ask, "What if the baby is a girl?" He thought about it a minute and then said, "If the baby is a girl, we should name her Dancer." "Wonderful," I thought, "just the name I had in mind."

I had not even thought about boy names, somehow convincing myself that if I didn't pick a boy name, it would increase my chances of having a girl. Anyway, I had almost exhausted my list of favorite boy names: Benjamin, Caleb, Elijah ... I was running out of options. So, when we were told that we were expecting another little boy, it was back to the drawing board to pick a boy name .... again.

This time, however, there was a certain urgency behind picking a name and making sure that it was the right one. The meaning behind a name has always been important to me, now more than ever before. We had to pick the right name soon because the clock was ticking, and every minute that passed signified less time to spend with Baby and less opportunity to call him by name.

In my previous two pregnancies, it seemed as though the forty weeks leading up to birth were only a quiet prelude to the new life that would soon change our world. This time, however, the forty weeks of pregnancy (with only 18 weeks left now) is the main event, and we must cherish every fleeting moment. As such, it became imperative that Tom and I agree on a name for Baby ... pronto.

The only problem is that for Tom and me to agree on much of anything is quite a feat. We are both opinionated and stubborn. Thankfully, we are learning ... but my, oh my, this is a long learning process. As we were thinking and praying about what to name Baby, I received the following message from a dear sister in Christ: "I have been lifting you and your son before the Throne of our Almighty God and Father. He is truly the Father of all compassion and also the worker of miracles. As I prayed for your precious son according to Psalm 139, I sensed Him telling me to pray for him 'by name'."

This was yet another confirmation that Baby needed a name. Even though our Heavenly Father already knew his name, I wanted to know too! So, after much prayer and deliberation, Tom and I agreed to name him David ("beloved") Nathaniel ("gift of God"). Now, I know that our five-year-old was right after all. We are having a boy, and his name is to be called David. And oh, how this precious child is our beloved gift of God. He is a gift that I am holding on to for dear life.

When You Don’t Know What To Pray

2009-10-23T01:30:00.000-04:00

Last year, God called me to prayer. I know that this probably sounds strange coming from someone who accepted Christ as a young child. Prayer is a staple of the Christian life, right? Well, I guess that I must be pretty thick-headed because I had to be specifically called to pray. I will spare you all of the details, but suffice it to say that when God calls you to do something, He always provides the necessary tools.

God provided me with an amazing mentor in prayer, and she and I began a study titled "Prayer Portions" by Sylvia Gunter. This study has ministered to me immensely, and I have no doubt that one reason God gave this gift to me was to help prepare me for "such a time as this."

When I received the news of Baby's condition last week, I could barely complete a sentence. I thought that the tears would never stop flowing, and I had no words to pray other than, "Lord, please let this cup pass from me." Unbeknownst to me, my precious mentor contacted Sylvia Gunter to share our struggle, and Sylvia responded by praying the following truths over me and Tom, which have greatly encouraged my heart:

God is sovereign. All authority, all power is His. Matthew 28:18.

Nothing takes Him by surprise. All circumstances are His servants. He knows the end from the beginning. Psalm 119:91, Isaiah 46:9-10.

His word is forever settled in heaven. Psalm 119:89.

Romans 8:28-29 is still in our Bible. He does all things for our good and His glory, to conform us to the likeness of Jesus.

There is no circumstance, person, place, or time that the blood of Jesus does not cover. The one who spared not His own Son will freely give us all His best things. Romans 8:31-32.

He promises that He is for us and nothing can separate us from His love. That was settled on the cross. Romans 8:35–39.

His lovingkindness never ceases. His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. His faithfulness is great. Lamentations 3:22–23.

He supplies all our needs by His riches in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19.

He knows and cares. The very hairs of our head are numbered. Matthew 10:30.

He promises that He is God of all comfort, Father of mercies. 2 Corinthians 1:3–4.

He is able to supply His abundant grace to us in this situation, so that in all things, at all times, we have all of His sufficient grace we need for encouragement and hope. 2 Corinthians 9:8.

He is able to show His perfect power in our weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9–10.

We can know with certainty that He is able to guard what we have entrusted to Him. 2 Timothy 1:12.

He promises that He is our strength, our shield, our strong tower, our refuge, our hope, our joy, our peace, our everything, our all. Psalm 18:1–3, Colossians 3:11b.

He promises to renew our strength as we wait on Him. Isaiah 40:31.

He promises that He never leaves us nor forsakes us. He is with us, a very present help. Hebrews 13:5–6.

He never goes back on a promise. Joshua 21:45.

He has a heart that tears can touch and invites us to climb up in the Father’s lap and just cry. Hebrews 4:15, Psalms 56:8.

He gives gladness instead of mourning and praise instead of fainting. Weeping endures for a night, but He gives the joy that comes in the morning. Isaiah 61:3, Psalm 30:5.

He is enthroned on the praises of His children. Psalm 22:3.

When we lift Him up continually in a sacrifice of praise, we glorify Him in this situation in the here-and now. John 12:28a.

Suffering by Surprise

2009-10-18T09:28:00.001-04:00

Deep down, I have always had a tugging feeling that someday, somehow, God would call me to write. I never dreamed that it would be amidst lurking tragedy in my own life. So, here goes my attempt to obey the calling that I believe that God has placed on my life during this time.

Last Monday, Tom and I went to the doctor to see the 20-week ultrasound for our 3rd child. This event had been much debated and greatly anticipated by friends and family. You see, Tom and I have two little boys, and my sister and brother-in-law also have two little boys. The ironic thing is that my mom and dad "mimi and papa" have always desperately wanted a granddaughter. Although we all dearly love our little boys, we were all hopefully optimistic that this would be our girl. As a matter of fact, we took a vote last Saturday evening, and the vote was unanimous! This baby was sure to be a girl!

While Tom and I had strongly considered having baby #3, so far, the timing just seemed to be wrong. Tom was still in seminary (to finish this December), and I felt as though I had no more bandwidth to offer another child while I was working to help support the family and raising two small children at home. However, God had other plans. While Tom was on a mission trip in Kenya this summer, I had the surprise of my life! Tom and I were expecting our 3rd child. To say that I was shocked is an understatement. "Well," I thought, "I guess that God has made the decision for us - no more waiting around. We will have another child in accordance with God's timing, not ours."

It took a few weeks for me to adjust to the idea, but as time passed, my shock began to turn to peace and even some excitement. I knew that even though this new life may present some challenges for us financially, God is our faithful provider. As Joyce Meyer says, "What God orders, He pays for." Our gracious Heavenly Father knew exactly what He was doing. This was not an "accident" or an "unplanned" pregnancy; rather, it was planned by God before the foundation of the world. What peace came with the knowledge that our gracious God was sovereign and fully in control over our circumstances.

Time passed quickly since we received the news in June of our new arrival to come the first of March. I had debated as to whether or not to find out the gender of the baby before my due date. Would it be better to "wait and see" or to find out ahead of time? Tom and I finally decided that we wanted to know sooner than later, so I braced myself for the news as we drove to the doctor's office last Monday morning.

Our appointment was scheduled for 9:15 a.m., but we learned soon after our arrival that the ultrasound tech had an "emergency" and was not coming to work. "You have got to be kidding me" was my immediate reaction. I had scheduled that appointment two months earlier, and my entire family was "standing by" in anxious anticipation to hear the long-awaited news. My mom and sister had tried to get me to take a gender test that is now available in drugstores a few weeks beforehand, but I had resisted, feeling that I was not yet ready to discover the news of my fate to be a mother of three little boys. However, by the time that October 12, 2009, rolled around, I was ready. I could not get this ultrasound over quickly enough. I wanted to know so that we could finally move on to a different topic of conversation at family dinners.

The receptionist at the doctor's office gave us the option to reschedule the appointment to another day. My answer was a resounding "no." "We must get this done today," I said. "My husband has taken off work, and I am going out of town." What I was really thinking was, "I cannot bear to wait another day. You have no idea how much distress it will cause if I have to tell all of my friends and family that we still don't know the gender."

So, the receptionist graciously sent us to another location where they could "see us immediately." Well, needless to say, my definition of "immediately" was not the same their definition of "immediately." After arriving at the new location, we sat and sat. By this time, Caleb and Benjamin were running all over the waiting room. An older lady was quick to remind us, "you know, there are sick people here." "Really? Is that why people come to the doctor's office?" I thought. In all my training in college and law school, I had never heard of such a thing. Coming to the doctor's office when you are sick - what a novel concept. Anyway, Tom and I tried our best to keep the boys under control until I was finally called back at noon. Unfortunately for Tom, he had to remain in the waiting room with the boys until the end of the ultrasound.

Since I had previously had two 20-week ultrasounds with Benjamin and Caleb, I pretty much knew what to expect. "This should not take longer than twenty minutes or so," I thought. Soon, the waiting would be over - we would finally know - boy or girl. Well, twenty minutes turned into an hour and a half. I finally went out to tell Tom and the boys to grab some lunch. I had been informed that we were having another boy, but the ultrasound tech needed to take more pictures. When I returned to the room, the radiologist came in. Suddenly, I realized ... something was wrong. The fact that Baby was a boy didn't matter anymore - the only thing that mattered was that our baby boy was healthy.

I asked the radiologist what was wrong. He was slow to answer and vague at that. "We are looking at some suspicious findings," he said. "I don't want to alarm you at this point; we need to take a closer look at a few things - that's all." "Well, too late for that," I said. "I am already alarmed." "Can you tell me what you are looking at?" I asked. "We are looking at the length of the arms and legs and the size of the ribcage," he said. "I will send a report to your OBGYN this afternoon after taking a closer look at the pictures." The ultrasound tech gave me a sympathetic smile and said, "Thank you for being such a wonderful patient." As I got up to leave she said, "I'm sorry."

Tom and I drove home in the pouring rain. I was in a complete daze. This was news that neither of us had expected. A problem with Baby? What kind of problem? How could this happen? About an hour after our arrival home, my OBGYN called. "I just got off the phone with the radiologist, and I am sending a referral for you to see a specialist," she said. "He will call you to schedule an appointment." "Why, what is wrong?" I begged for more information. "Well, it appears as though your baby has some form of dwarfism, although I see no history of dwarfism in your family," she answered. "So, it could be something more serious?" I asked. "Yes," she answered as I started to cry. "I'm sorry, sweetie," she said as we hung up the phone.

The Perinatologist's office called 30 minutes later. "The doctor will see you at 2:30 on Wednesday," the woman on the other end of the phone said. Never mind the fact that I had a flight to Orange County at 10:50 a.m. on Wednesday. The decision had been made - there was no debate. The Perinatologist had cleared his calendar on Wednesday afternoon to see me, so that was when I would go. I hung up the phone and cancelled my trip to San Diego. To say the least, this week was not going as planned. I quickly began to search the Internet, where my worst fears were met with terrible information. Our baby had skeletal dysplasia.

How could this happen? What did this mean? Why? Why, Lord, would you cause this unexpected pregnancy, only to lead us down this road of suffering? I read story after story of tear-jerking experiences written by mothers of babies with skeletal dysplasia. Deep down, I knew that this was life-threatening. I read that usually only cases of lethal skeletal dysplasia were diagnosable via ultrasound during the second trimester. I spent the next two days crying uncontrollably and preparing myself for the worst.

When we arrived at the doctor's office on Wednesday, we spent another hour and a half in the ultrasound room. The doctor came in the room accompanied by a genetic counselor - another indication of bad news. He was incredibly gracious and soft-spoken. He came in and said, "Tell me what you know." I said, "I know that our baby has some form of skeletal dysplasia." Surprised by my response, he stated, "Well, then you know about everything that I know. That term does not usually roll off the tongue. What is your background?" "Law," I said, "but I have done my research." He assured us that he would give us as much information as possible. So, on we went with more ultrasound pictures.

He explained each picture as we went along. Baby's organs looked good - brain, heart, kidneys, stomach, bladder - even the fingers and toes were accounted for. All signs of a healthy baby were there, but there was one major problem - Baby's bones were entirely too small. His little ribcage was not growing. So, as the heart continued to grow, it would occupy more and more space in the chest cavity, leaving no room for Baby's lungs to develop. Although Baby was completely viable in my womb, he lacked one vital capability - the ability to breathe.

The doctor explained that his goal was to put our baby's condition into one of two categories at this time - lethal or non-lethal. Further testing could be done at a later time to narrow the diagnosis. He explained that our baby's condition was lethal. I was completely stoic. Our worst fears had been confirmed. This baby would most likely be carried full-term only to be stillborn, or more likely, be born alive only to die within hours of birth. I did not understand. How could this be? Baby was so perfect in every way, except that his bones were too small. Outside of a miracle, Baby had zero chance of survival.

We were lead to the doctor's office where we were given our options: terminate the pregnancy or continue on for another 20 weeks with no light at the end of the tunnel. The doctor was surprisingly supportive of our choice either way. If we chose to continue on, he would support us all the way. What a huge relief. I knew that there were no such "choices" for us. We did not choose when this life began, and we would not choose when it ended. Hopeless or not, we would continue on by the grace of God. After all, this next twenty weeks will probably be the only time that we have to spend with our precious baby boy.