I apologize that it has been so long since my last post. I have wanted to reduce my thoughts to writing on numerous occasions, but every time I sit down to write, I freeze up. No words come to mind. No feelings rise up within me. I just sit and stare at the computer screen, numb and frozen.
For the past three months of my life, I have felt like a guest on God's show, Candid Camera. I keep waiting for one of the cast members to come out from behind the hidden camera and say, "You're on candid camera," but no one ever comes.
Someone shows up on my doorstep in crisis. Another person walks into my office in crisis. My phone rings and someone else is in crisis ... and on and on it goes. Sometimes it all feels like a cruel joke that I do not find the least bit humorous. Other times, I find myself laughing at the most inappropriate things. I am not sure if it is the joy of the Lord or because I am certifiably insane, but either way, I guess that laughter is good medicine.
I barely feel like I got through the first day of suffering bootcamp before God drafted me to the front lines to fight the battle with fellow sufferers. He didn't ask me if I was ready to go. I just woke up one night at midnight and found myself in the middle of a bloody battle. And three months later, I am still in the heat of battle, feeling completely exhausted and ill-equipped.
I have wondered many times if this is what the rest of my life will look like, fighting one battle after another, dealing with constant pain and loss. I find myself in a foreign land filled with landmines and surprise attacks. This land is not safe, and I don't know how to get back home.
But maybe the point is that I never really was at home. I was always an alien living in a foreign land. I just couldn't really see it before, and now it is my daily reality. God has once again brought me to a place where I must make a choice – surrender to Him and fight the battle, or fight His plan. Although the choice seems obvious, it is not easy.
My surrender to Christ means that He calls all of the shots, and I obey. He gives the marching orders, and I say, "I am the Lord's servant. Be it done to me according to your word" (Luke 1:38). This is a scary proposition when dealing with the King of Kings.
Surrender calls for an acceptance that “he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are on his mind” (Job 23:14). It is the “many such things” that terrify me as I have not been given any say about what comes my way. But, then again, this is the very definition of surrender – to give up rights to myself and to yield to the power and plan of Christ.
