Christmas was bittersweet this year. It was sweet to be at home with the boys and to see their expressions on Christmas morning. Caleb has been singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" for a few weeks now. I am not sure whether or not he made the connection on Christmas morning that Santa had come to town, but it was a joy to hear him sing. The boys both told me that their favorite gift was a $1 jump rope in their stockings -- no surprise. It is the little things in life that bring the most joy.
David had a stocking and a few other small items under the tree. Benjamin opened David's presents for him, and we enjoyed the time together. Tommy said that he had always wanted to have three little boys, and for this one Christmas his wish came true. All three of our little boys were present with us to celebrate Christmas day. It was a day that I will never forget.
Over the past week, a deep sadness has slowly crept over me, growing a bit stronger with each passing day. The phrase "Happy New Year" is not one that I can bring myself to say this year. The year 2010 does not represent happiness to me. The clock is ticking, and our time with David is growing shorter each day. It doesn't seem fair. Sometimes, I find myself throwing temper tantrums with God. "Why, Lord? Why me? Why this child?"
Many things do not make sense to me. Benjamin loves babies. He loves to hold his cousin Max, and he talks to him so sweetly. Whenever we see a baby, Benjamin gets down on his knees to talk to the baby. "Of all of the brothers in the world, why Lord, are you taking away Benjamin's baby brother?" Even my little bulldozer Caleb has a special place in his heart for "bebes." He loves to talk to them and to touch them. Sometimes, he tries to poke out Max's eyes, but I can honestly say that it is out of love. Benjamin and Caleb have an exceptional love for babies, so why must their baby brother be taken from them?
There are many things that I want to teach David and so many moments that I want to share with him ... his first smile, his first word, his first step. I will never get to potty-train him or teach him how to dress himself. Instead, I am forced to make a lifetime of memories with him in a few short months, and when it is all said and done, my arms will be empty with no baby to rock to sleep at night. Right now, these thoughts are almost too difficult for me to bear. At times, it is hard to breathe with the heavy weight that is bearing down on me.
We are making "arrangements" for David's burial and memorial service now in order to alleviate some of the stress later. There is a beautiful cemetery near my parents' home where we will probably lay our precious David to rest. Tommy and I are going to visit it sometime this weekend. When Tommy first called to inquire about their services, the man who answered the phone was the same person who sold us our home almost 8 years ago. I felt a certain peace knowing that we had a connection with the person who would walk us through this difficult process.
It is a horrible feeling to plan for the death of a child who is still squirming and hiccuping inside of me. It feels like a bad dream, and sometimes I just wish that I could wake up and realize that it isn't really happening. We desperately need your prayers as we walk through the next few months. Please pray that the grief will not overwhelm us, but instead that the peace of God that passes all understanding will rule our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Pray that we will enjoy a lifetime of memories in 2010.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The Road of Uncertainty
Our journey since David's diagnosis 10 weeks ago has been marked with uncertainty. Although all of the specialists agree that his condition is fatal, it seems like every time we go to another doctor's appointment, we are told some new and different piece of information.
Sometimes, I feel like there are more questions than answers. What type of lethal skeletal dysplasia does David have? Is it a new mutation or a recessive gene that has suddenly emerged? How long will I be able to carry him in my womb? Will I experience complications with my pregnancy? Will he die in utero, or will he be born alive and live a few hours, days, weeks or months? At times, all of the uncertainty feels like more than I can bear.
All of the guesswork has made it clear that the science of medicine is limited by the confines of human comprehension. Man's knowledge is but a drop of water in the ocean of God's wisdom. Only the Creator of the universe knows and understands the intricacies of His creation. The Psalmist said, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13.
If God knit baby David together in my womb, then He chose to knit him with this genetic mutation, which will eventually lead to his death. Since I cannot understand God's plan in all of this, I must trust His wisdom and His goodness. "The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever." Deuteronomy 29:29.
Despite my frustration with all of the uncertainty, God has given me the grace to trust that He is working out each and every detail. He even uses human ignorance to work out His wonderful plans for His beloved. In Matthew 6:34, my Father told me "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." As God provided for the Israelites in the wilderness, He provides me with my daily bread, not my weekly or monthly bread. His mercies are new every morning - great is His faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23.
The enemy has tried to cause confusion and anxiety through the uncertainty, but my Heavenly Father is using the enemy's tactics for my good, as He produces in me endurance, character and hope. Romans 5:3-5. God's word assures me that there are no oversights or mistakes in His plan. There are only speed bumps in the road that He has paved by His sovereign grace.
Sometimes, I feel like there are more questions than answers. What type of lethal skeletal dysplasia does David have? Is it a new mutation or a recessive gene that has suddenly emerged? How long will I be able to carry him in my womb? Will I experience complications with my pregnancy? Will he die in utero, or will he be born alive and live a few hours, days, weeks or months? At times, all of the uncertainty feels like more than I can bear.
All of the guesswork has made it clear that the science of medicine is limited by the confines of human comprehension. Man's knowledge is but a drop of water in the ocean of God's wisdom. Only the Creator of the universe knows and understands the intricacies of His creation. The Psalmist said, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13.
If God knit baby David together in my womb, then He chose to knit him with this genetic mutation, which will eventually lead to his death. Since I cannot understand God's plan in all of this, I must trust His wisdom and His goodness. "The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever." Deuteronomy 29:29.
Despite my frustration with all of the uncertainty, God has given me the grace to trust that He is working out each and every detail. He even uses human ignorance to work out His wonderful plans for His beloved. In Matthew 6:34, my Father told me "not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." As God provided for the Israelites in the wilderness, He provides me with my daily bread, not my weekly or monthly bread. His mercies are new every morning - great is His faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23.
The enemy has tried to cause confusion and anxiety through the uncertainty, but my Heavenly Father is using the enemy's tactics for my good, as He produces in me endurance, character and hope. Romans 5:3-5. God's word assures me that there are no oversights or mistakes in His plan. There are only speed bumps in the road that He has paved by His sovereign grace.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The Kiss of Affliction
This past week Matt Chandler, a prominent young pastor of a growing Dallas church, had surgery to remove a brain tumor after he collapsed at home on Thanksgiving morning. Chandler has significantly influenced Tom and me over the past couple of years, and he continues to encourage us in this trial. In response to the news of his tumor, he said, "There is this part of me that is so grateful that the Lord counted me worthy for this." These are my sentiments exactly.
Words are inadequate to describe the great love that the Father has shown me in this trial over the past 8 weeks. It has been completely overwhelming. Though the first taste was bitter, the mercy and grace that the Father has lavishly poured out has been so sweet. While I have cried many tears of sadness, I have also cried many tears of joy at the realization of the magnitude of the Father's great love for me ... that He would count me worthy to endure this trial and to be loved by Him with such intensity.
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you (I Peter 4:12). Do not be afraid, but take courage. Trust your Heavenly Father and the great love that He has for you as His child. "The clouds ye so much dread are big with mercy and shall break in blessings on your head. His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour. The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower." ~ William Cowper
George Mueller, a great man of faith, read Psalm 119:68 at his wife's funeral, "Thou art good, and doest good." The basis of his message was that God was good to give him his wife, God was good to give them many years together, and God was good in taking her from him. He said, "I will miss her in numberless ways, but I continually kiss the hand that afflicts me." Mueller could say this with integrity because He knew the intimate love of His Heavenly Father.
I kiss the hand that afflicts me because it is the sweetest hand of all.
Words are inadequate to describe the great love that the Father has shown me in this trial over the past 8 weeks. It has been completely overwhelming. Though the first taste was bitter, the mercy and grace that the Father has lavishly poured out has been so sweet. While I have cried many tears of sadness, I have also cried many tears of joy at the realization of the magnitude of the Father's great love for me ... that He would count me worthy to endure this trial and to be loved by Him with such intensity.
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you (I Peter 4:12). Do not be afraid, but take courage. Trust your Heavenly Father and the great love that He has for you as His child. "The clouds ye so much dread are big with mercy and shall break in blessings on your head. His purposes will ripen fast, unfolding every hour. The bud may have a bitter taste, but sweet will be the flower." ~ William Cowper
George Mueller, a great man of faith, read Psalm 119:68 at his wife's funeral, "Thou art good, and doest good." The basis of his message was that God was good to give him his wife, God was good to give them many years together, and God was good in taking her from him. He said, "I will miss her in numberless ways, but I continually kiss the hand that afflicts me." Mueller could say this with integrity because He knew the intimate love of His Heavenly Father.
I kiss the hand that afflicts me because it is the sweetest hand of all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)