A Lifetime of Memories

Christmas was bittersweet this year. It was sweet to be at home with the boys and to see their expressions on Christmas morning. Caleb has been singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" for a few weeks now. I am not sure whether or not he made the connection on Christmas morning that Santa had come to town, but it was a joy to hear him sing. The boys both told me that their favorite gift was a $1 jump rope in their stockings -- no surprise. It is the little things in life that bring the most joy.

David had a stocking and a few other small items under the tree. Benjamin opened David's presents for him, and we enjoyed the time together. Tommy said that he had always wanted to have three little boys, and for this one Christmas his wish came true. All three of our little boys were present with us to celebrate Christmas day. It was a day that I will never forget.

Over the past week, a deep sadness has slowly crept over me, growing a bit stronger with each passing day. The phrase "Happy New Year" is not one that I can bring myself to say this year. The year 2010 does not represent happiness to me. The clock is ticking, and our time with David is growing shorter each day. It doesn't seem fair. Sometimes, I find myself throwing temper tantrums with God. "Why, Lord? Why me? Why this child?"

Many things do not make sense to me. Benjamin loves babies. He loves to hold his cousin Max, and he talks to him so sweetly. Whenever we see a baby, Benjamin gets down on his knees to talk to the baby. "Of all of the brothers in the world, why Lord, are you taking away Benjamin's baby brother?" Even my little bulldozer Caleb has a special place in his heart for "bebes." He loves to talk to them and to touch them. Sometimes, he tries to poke out Max's eyes, but I can honestly say that it is out of love. Benjamin and Caleb have an exceptional love for babies, so why must their baby brother be taken from them?

There are many things that I want to teach David and so many moments that I want to share with him ... his first smile, his first word, his first step. I will never get to potty-train him or teach him how to dress himself. Instead, I am forced to make a lifetime of memories with him in a few short months, and when it is all said and done, my arms will be empty with no baby to rock to sleep at night. Right now, these thoughts are almost too difficult for me to bear. At times, it is hard to breathe with the heavy weight that is bearing down on me.

We are making "arrangements" for David's burial and memorial service now in order to alleviate some of the stress later. There is a beautiful cemetery near my parents' home where we will probably lay our precious David to rest. Tommy and I are going to visit it sometime this weekend. When Tommy first called to inquire about their services, the man who answered the phone was the same person who sold us our home almost 8 years ago. I felt a certain peace knowing that we had a connection with the person who would walk us through this difficult process.

It is a horrible feeling to plan for the death of a child who is still squirming and hiccuping inside of me. It feels like a bad dream, and sometimes I just wish that I could wake up and realize that it isn't really happening. We desperately need your prayers as we walk through the next few months. Please pray that the grief will not overwhelm us, but instead that the peace of God that passes all understanding will rule our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Pray that we will enjoy a lifetime of memories in 2010.