Like a Child

Thankfully, God was gracious to keep our Benjamin from asking any questions about Baby David for the first couple of weeks after learning the heart-wrenching news about his condition. I did not want to talk to Benjamin about the baby, and I prayed that he would not ask questions. Benjamin saw me crying from time to time, and he would say to me, "Mommy, do your eyes hurt?" "Yes," I would say, thinking to myself that I was telling him the truth because my whole head ached from continuous crying.

I tried to avoid wearing maternity clothing. On the days that I did not go to the office, I wore warm-up suits since I could camouflage my stomach under a jacket. I hoped that concealing my belly would make Benjamin, and everyone else, forget that I was pregnant. "Don't ask - don't tell." That was my new philosophy. I no longer wanted to be referred to as "cute and pregnant." I just wanted my belly to disappear, for it was a constant reminder to me and everyone else of the life inside of me.

A few of days ago, I had to take Benjamin to see the doctor. Remembering that the last time we went to the doctor was for Baby David's ultrasound, he asked, "Mommy, when is the doctor going to take out your baby?" If you are not familiar with five-year-old dialect, this question can be interpreted as, "when will the baby be born?" My heart skipped a beat. "Oh no," I thought. I guess I was hoping that he had forgotten about the baby. Trying to answer his question as calmly and casually as possible, I said, "Oh, it will be a long time." After all, four months is like an eternity to a five-year-old.

Continuing on with the conversation, Benjamin said, "Do you mean March?" "Yes," I answered, worried that he had caught on to more detail that I had anticipated. I explained that March was still four months away and quickly changed the subject. I was afraid that Benjamin may begin to entertain more questions to ask about the baby. What would I say? How do you explain to a five-year-old that he may never get to meet his tiny baby brother?

Since my grandmother passed away this past July, Benjamin is somewhat familiar with the concept of death. He brings it up from time to time, usually stating that Grandma died, and she is now in heaven. I am glad that he seems to understand this concept, to the extent that a five-year-old mind can grasp such things. However, I am almost certain that he thinks that death only applies to old people. Oh, how I wish that this were true.

Tom and I agree that it is not yet time to share the news of Baby David's condition with Benjamin. Since we can hardly comprehend this tragic news ourselves, we do not have the capacity to try and explain it to our son right now, nor do we think that he is ready to hear it. I know that God will provide the grace when the time is right, which may not be until the time of David's birth. Until that time, I am hoping and praying that God will prepare his little heart to understand. I am also praying that God will prepare my heart to understand "like a child" because I truly do not.