“Count it all joy when you meet various trials," says James 1:2. Count it all joy? Really? I think that we are told to be joyful in suffering because joy magnifies the worth and greatness of Christ, above all else. God told Abraham in Genesis 15:1, “I am … your exceeding great reward.” It is easy to say that Christ is my great reward in times of ease, but how can I know for sure that He is truly my chief treasure unless I am forced to surrender a very precious jewel?
This is not a test that I wish to take, but God in his infinite wisdom and goodness knows what is best for me. I suppose that one reason God ordained my present suffering was to establish my delight in Him in the face of losing my precious baby boy. The Word of God says that this momentary affliction is preparing me for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. I hold on to this promise.
When Barbara Youderian lost her missionary husband Roger in January 1956 she responded, “God gave me this verse two days ago, Psalm 48:14: For this God is our God forever and ever; he will be our Guide even to the end. As I came face to face with the news of Roj’s death, my heart was filled with praise. He was worthy of his homegoing.” What a testimony of grace in the face of tremendous suffering. I pray that God would grant me such abundant grace in the face of incredible loss.
A few years ago, I watched an episode of “A Baby Story” on television. The show depicted a mother giving birth to a child that died shortly after delivery due to respiratory failure. I remember sitting there weeping as I watched the show thinking, “That would be unbearable.” I have never watched the show since that time.
Now, here I am, facing the same scenario. We have been told that our David will probably die of respiratory failure shortly after birth. By far, this is the most difficult news that I have ever been given in my entire life. Nothing that I have experienced to date comes close to comparing with this heartache; however, it is not “unbearable” in the way that I once thought it would be. I know that the worst is yet to come, but God is showing me in very tangible ways that His grace is sufficient – for today.
I guess that I was both right and wrong. At times, the thought of losing a child is unbearable. There are moments when I feel as though I cannot continue to walk this journey; yet my Heavenly Father, in His grace, is carrying me through one step at a time. His grace is sufficient, and He is giving me joy in Him as He gently reassures me of His great love for me. Samuel Rutherford said that the Great King keeps his wine in the cellars of affliction – not in the courtyard where the sun shines.
The riches of God’s grace are experienced most fully in the moments of my deepest pain, and I think that I am beginning to taste the wine of the Great King in this cellar of suffering.
Dear Rachael,
ReplyDeleteSo true and beautifully written.
It's so wierd that you mention watching that show because when I was pregnant with Grady I watched a show called "Special Delivery". There was a couple whose baby had died in utero. I, too, remember thinking that would be unbearable. And then that very same thing happened to me. Never watched it again, or any baby shows for that matter.
I hate that we've met through these circumstances, but I'm thankful that our paths have crossed. Still praying for you every day!
Love,
Tonya