Celebrating Life

It is hard to believe that it has been seven weeks since we were first told of David's diagnosis. I can tell you that time flies, whether you are having fun or not. In those first few days after hearing the shocking news, I remember thinking, "How will I get through the next four months of my life? How can I walk around pregnant with this little life kicking inside of me knowing full well that he will not come home with me from the hospital?" I was consumed by these thoughts and overwhelmed with grief. I remember telling my sister Jenn how I wished that someone could just put me into a coma for the next several months.

At the beginning, I cried and cried as I tried to envision the next year of my life. "How will I endure this torture?" I thought. Each time I went to see another doctor for another ultrasound, I secretly hoped that the baby's heart was no longer beating. Why couldn't this all just end? I remember one day as Tommy and I stood in the kitchen discussing these things, he turned to me and asked, "Wouldn't it be nice if we could spend these next few months celebrating his life?" This infuriated me. "Celebrate his life?" I thought. "How insensitive can you be? You are not the one who has to carry this baby for the next twenty weeks."

Well, over time God has changed my heart and brought me to a place where I am enjoying this precious time with David. His tiny kicks and flips bring a smile to my face. Even though I cannot hold him in my arms, he is with me every moment, part of every conversation, and I am making memories with him each and every day.

Tommy and I recently decided that it was time to tell Benjamin and Caleb about David's diagnosis. We wanted to give them every opportunity to celebrate and enjoy David's life as a part of our family. So, last Tuesday evening we sat them down on the couch and told them the news. I explained David's condition in very simple terms and told them that David will probably go to heaven when he is born because his lungs will not work. Benjamin did not want to believe me at first, but the reality soon hit home, and his eyes filled with tears. We cried together on the couch. He looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm sad that Baby David is going to die." All I could say was, "Mommy is sad too ... Mommy is sad too."

I casually mentioned David a couple of times over the next few days. On Thanksgiving, we played the thankful game and took turns sharing things that we were thankful for. When it was my turn, I said, "I'm thankful for Benjamin, Caleb and David." Benjamin completely ignored my reference to David as he replied, "I'm thankful for Caleb." I did not press the issue because I did not want to push him. After all, it took me days to come to the place where I could speak a sentence without crying. Benjamin needed time to process and deal with the difficult news.

Today, Benjamin and I went to the grocery store together, and the cashier started to ask questions about the baby. She turned to Benjamin and asked him if he was going to have a baby brother or sister. "Oh no," I thought, "what will he say?" He casually answered that he was going to have a baby brother and that his name was David. I breathed a sigh of relief.

We put up our Christmas decorations today and hung a stocking for David. Tonight, Benjamin came and sat on my lap, rubbed my belly and said, "That's my baby brother David." "Yes," I answered, "he loves it when you talk to him." So, Benjamin began to 'tickle' my stomach and talk about how he was five years older than David. Then, he leaned over, kissed my belly and said, "I love you." What a priceless moment.

I pray that we have many more priceless moments together as we celebrate this Christmas season as a family of five. David is very much alive and part of every memory that we make. We love him dearly and will cherish every moment as we celebrate his precious life.