In March 2007, I attended a women's retreat lead by Judy Reamer. Judy is a Messianic Jew with an amazing testimony about how Christ drew her to Himself. She spent most of the weekend talking about the importance of reading and knowing God's Word. I was ripe and ready for the hearing. I had just finished three grueling years of law school during which time reading the Bible had taken a backseat in my life.
I walked away from Judy's message inspired and determined to know God's Word. I read through the entire Bible three times that year. Looking back, I can see that God was using this time to prepare me for combat. In His infinite wisdom, only God knew the monumental battles that lurked around the corner of my life.
In September 2007, Tom enrolled in seminary and left his full-time job. The two years that followed this transition were marked with turmoil, and there were moments when we were unsure whether or not our marriage could survive such tremendous stress. We were "struck down, but not destroyed ... constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus could be manifested in our mortal flesh" (II Corinthians 4:9-11).
During this season, I began to learn what it meant to crucify my flesh with its passions and desires (Galatians 5:24), and allow me to let you in on a little secret - it was ugly. I had no clue that so much disgusting sediment was lying in the dark recesses of my heart. Learning to die to myself has been an agonizing process.
Last autumn, we began to see light at the end of the tunnel as Tom was finishing seminary. But before our battle wounds had opportunity to heal, we were struck down with the devastating news that our baby boy had a fatal condition that would not allow him to survive outside of my womb. God had promised that He would not give us more than we could handle, but there were moments when I was not sure that I believed this promise to be true.
I can relate with Jesus' disciples in asking, "Lord, this is a hard teaching. [How can I] accept it?" The enemy has tempted me to give up, telling me lies that God is not really good. Through my darkest moments, the Word of God has answered my many questions with the most important question of all, "Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life. I believe and know that you are the Holy One of God" (John 6:60-69).
I have spent many moments questioning God and His goodness to me, and I know that if there are ever to be any answers to my questions, God Himself is the only one who can supply them. I will probably never fully understand why God has orchestrated this turmoil in my life, but He has given me brief glimpses into the goodness of His sovereign plan.
In the darkest valley of my life, I am learning that only the Word of God can provide hope and healing to my broken heart. Through the reading of His Word, God is making me "like a tree firmly planted by streams of water," rather than "like chaff, which the wind drives away" (Psalm 1). Therefore, I must continue to "hold fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain" (Philippians 2:16).
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
True Prosperity
A couple of years ago, I watched a YouTube video of John Piper adamantly opposing the prosperity gospel. If you are not familiar with the prosperity gospel, it is a term used to describe a false gospel that teaches that if you believe in Jesus you will have health, wealth, and prosperity. In other words, if you want to live a life of ease and comfort, then play your cards right with God, and you will be blessed.
I strongly agreed with Piper's opposition to this false doctrine and was indignant that people portrayed Jesus as some sort of cosmic vending machine. My new favorite Bible verse became Psalm 73:25-26, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Piper said that Jesus alone was all satisfying, and I wholeheartedly agreed ... or so I thought.
Apparently, my conviction that Jesus is all-satisfying was not as rock-solid as I believed it to be. You see, I was living life "at ease, and he broke me apart; he seized me by the neck and dashed me to pieces" (Job 16:12). I am learning that it is one thing to say that Jesus is enough, but it is quite another thing to live it when God shakes you to the very core of your being.
In his song Questions, Steven Curtis Chapman asks, "Who are you God? For You are turning out to be so much different than I imagined. And where are you God? Because I am finding life to be so much harder than I had planned. And where were you God? I know you had to be right there. I know you never turn your head." These are my questions too.
Since learning of David's diagnosis six months ago, I have been wrestling with God. There are no easy answers and no platitudes to make me feel better. I either believe in the God of the Bible, or I don't. I either take Him at His word, or I don't take Him at all. I cannot make God into my own image. I cannot take the parts that I like about Him and leave the parts that make me uncomfortable. It is all or nothing.
When I left my 20-week ultrasound appointment, God had not changed. The same God who walked with me into the hospital with David alive in my womb was the same God who walked with me out of the hospital with David's lifeless body cradled in my arms. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). God has not changed; I have changed. My faith has been put to the test. Thank God that He is able to keep me from stumbling, and to make me stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy (Jude 1:24).
Hebrews 11, the great faith hall of fame, says that some "through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection ... Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated ... And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect."
Destitute ... afflicted ... mistreated? This is certainly not what I had in mind for my life. I like health, wealth, and prosperity. I like being comfortable, and I want God to bless me. God has blessed me tremendously, and I do not want to discount His provision, but I am learning that my ease and comfort are not God's primary objectives in my life. He is pruning me so that I may bear fruit, and it is a painful process. God is the great surgeon who is using His scalpel to perform open heart surgery on me.
And, when all is said and done, I believe that I will have true prosperity - abundant life in Jesus that allows me to face whatever he brings my way with the confidence that "my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth" (Job 19:25).
I strongly agreed with Piper's opposition to this false doctrine and was indignant that people portrayed Jesus as some sort of cosmic vending machine. My new favorite Bible verse became Psalm 73:25-26, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Piper said that Jesus alone was all satisfying, and I wholeheartedly agreed ... or so I thought.
Apparently, my conviction that Jesus is all-satisfying was not as rock-solid as I believed it to be. You see, I was living life "at ease, and he broke me apart; he seized me by the neck and dashed me to pieces" (Job 16:12). I am learning that it is one thing to say that Jesus is enough, but it is quite another thing to live it when God shakes you to the very core of your being.
In his song Questions, Steven Curtis Chapman asks, "Who are you God? For You are turning out to be so much different than I imagined. And where are you God? Because I am finding life to be so much harder than I had planned. And where were you God? I know you had to be right there. I know you never turn your head." These are my questions too.
Since learning of David's diagnosis six months ago, I have been wrestling with God. There are no easy answers and no platitudes to make me feel better. I either believe in the God of the Bible, or I don't. I either take Him at His word, or I don't take Him at all. I cannot make God into my own image. I cannot take the parts that I like about Him and leave the parts that make me uncomfortable. It is all or nothing.
When I left my 20-week ultrasound appointment, God had not changed. The same God who walked with me into the hospital with David alive in my womb was the same God who walked with me out of the hospital with David's lifeless body cradled in my arms. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). God has not changed; I have changed. My faith has been put to the test. Thank God that He is able to keep me from stumbling, and to make me stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy (Jude 1:24).
Hebrews 11, the great faith hall of fame, says that some "through faith conquered kingdoms, enforced justice, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, were made strong out of weakness, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight. Women received back their dead by resurrection ... Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were killed with the sword. They went about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, mistreated ... And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect."
Destitute ... afflicted ... mistreated? This is certainly not what I had in mind for my life. I like health, wealth, and prosperity. I like being comfortable, and I want God to bless me. God has blessed me tremendously, and I do not want to discount His provision, but I am learning that my ease and comfort are not God's primary objectives in my life. He is pruning me so that I may bear fruit, and it is a painful process. God is the great surgeon who is using His scalpel to perform open heart surgery on me.
And, when all is said and done, I believe that I will have true prosperity - abundant life in Jesus that allows me to face whatever he brings my way with the confidence that "my Redeemer lives, and at the last he will stand upon the earth" (Job 19:25).
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