My Pride & Joy

When I lost my grandparents, I mourned the loss of the many memories that we shared together, but in losing my David, I am mourning the loss of the many memories that we will never share. I know that everyone can relate to loss, but I also know that it is hard for some to relate to the loss of a baby. From an outside perspective, I guess that it may seem "easier" since we did not have time to become too "attached."

Well, I can only speak from my own experience, but I can tell you that losing my David has not been easy. It has been lonely and difficult. I cannot even stand to be within earshot of a crying baby without getting sick to my stomach. The reality of his loss is nauseating to me. No one knew him like I knew him. No one but me spent every waking and sleeping moment with him for nine months. No one else had the privilege to feel his every movement - no one but me.

I am sorry that I did not get the chance to introduce him to you. Like any new baby, he was my pride and joy. When Benjamin and Caleb were born, my greatest joy in life was to show them off to everyone who would give me the time of day. Well, I never got the chance to "show off" my David. So, this post is dedicated to doing just that.

I realize that it is a poor substitute to carrying around my beautiful baby boy with soft black curls and introducing him to every person that I meet, but this is all that I have. So, here goes my meager attempt to "show off" my precious son, David Nathaniel.












Special thanks to Oana Hogrefe Photography for capturing these priceless moments for our family. You captured every detail and every emotion with such elegance and authenticity. We are eternally grateful for you.

Divine Despair

I don't know about you, but I love music. It touches my soul in a way that nothing else can. Two of my all-time favorite songs are Magnificent Obsession and One Pure and Holy Passion. Though I have sung these songs hundreds of times over the years, they never get old. I think that the reason that these songs mean so much to me is because I feel that they reflect the cry of my heart.

Now, I have a new favorite song. I Asked the Lord by John Newton:

I asked the Lord that I might grow,
In faith and love and every grace,
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face.

Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He I trust has answered prayer.
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He'd answer my request.
And by His love's constraining power,
Subdue my sins and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel,
The hidden evils of my heart.
And let the angry powers of hell,
Assault my soul in every part.

Yeah, more with His own hand, He seemed,
Intent to aggravate my woe.
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low.

"Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried.
Wilt Thou pursue Thy worm to death?"
"Tis in this way" the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and faith."

"These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou mayest seek thy all in Me."
—John Newton

Friends, for many years, I asked God to "give me one pure and holy passion", to "give me one magnificent obsession." Namely, I asked God to give me more of Himself. Truly, God is answering my prayer, "but it has been in such a way, as almost drove me to despair" (John Newton). The process of pruning has required my Father to "cut through these chains that tie me down to so many lesser things" and to "let all my dreams fall to the ground until this one remains" (Steven Curtis Chapman).

I have kicked and screamed all throughout this process and probably will continue to do so. Oh, how painful it has been and continues to be! Though I suspect that my tantrums probably appear to God as the fits of a toddler to his parent when things don't go his way, I do not doubt my Father's love for me. In the same way that I smile and shake my head when my Caleb throws a temper tantrum, I know that my Father is smiling upon me with His all-sufficient, all-knowing love. You see, I love my child too much to let him get his way when I know that it will only harm him. How much greater is the perfect love of my Heavenly Father towards me.